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["Lynn Wigglesworth" <lynnw1366 AT hotmail.com>]

Roxann; Been there, done that. My husband was a city boy. We weren't in the 
country more than a couple years before he freaked out. He went into a deep 
depressions, couldn't work, and wouldn't do much around here.

At the time, we had a very small mortgage, and no other debt. We could have 
survived on very little money if we were both willing to do farm 
work...raise beef, sheep, pigs, chickens for meat to sell, have a large 
garden and sell veggies, maybe pick up a part-time job. I've crunched the 
numbers and KNOW that it could have worked. But he wasn't pulling his 
weight, insisted on spending lots of money on cell phones, cable modems, and 
other luxuries, and was just dragging everyone down.

Finally, after about 4 years of that, I asked him to leave, and he happily 
scurried back to the city that he loves. I didn't have too much angst about 
losing my husband (we divorced a year later). The kids stayed with me (he 
didn't want them with him, so there was never a question). I had to buy out 
his share of the farm (which had doubled in value since we bought it), and 
had to have a new fence put up, so now I'm deep in debt. I also can't find a 
job, so in that, you are doing better than me.

Like you, I love this place, and can't imagine leaving. If I left now, I 
would never have enough money to live on/build up a farm (even a small one) 
again. This is my last shot at my dream. I think you have to face the fact 
that your dream and your husband's dream are not compatible. Neither of you 
are the 'bad guy'...you just want different things out of life. That's tough 
to admit when you feel that someone has let you down.

I say that you know deep down what will make you happy. If we don't take the 
steps to make ourselves happy, no one else will. A "semi-satisfied life" was 
not enough for me. I know at least 2 other women in exactly the same 
situation...husbands gone, them left with debt and a farm to run.  I can't 
say that it's easy trying to homestead by yourself, but for me, it's better 
than any alternative I can see.

There are days that nothing goes right, days when I think I'm depriving my 
kids of a 'normal' life (but they seem happy here, and I think are learning 
important life lessons, even if they choose not to live this life when they 
grow up).

Then there are days when things DO go right...I have a brand new little 
calf, born in this cold weather, but healthy and shaggy as a little wooly 
mammoth. The calf, along with my 3 new lambs (about a month old now) 
encourage me that there IS a future to this place....sometimes it's just 
bursting with life.

Lynn Wigglesworth
Tioga Co. PA

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "roxann" <roxann AT ancientearthwisdom.com>
To: <homestead AT lists.ibiblio.org>
Sent: Sunday, November 23, 2008 5:19 AM
Subject: [Homestead] Give up the dream? My dilemma


> My husband is calling it quits. It is too hard for him out here. He wants 
> to move back down to Louisiana where his older daughter and grand-daughter 
> lives. She and I are not the best of friends. She's been guilt tripping my 
> husband since we left, trying to make him move back home. Now it turns out 
> that my daughter (16) and son (12) also want to move back. They all think 
> it is too hard to try and make a homestead and live on less money. Well, 
> my youngest just wants some concrete to skateboard on, which I'm planning 
> to pour where the old house stood once we finished the new house. My 
> feelings on this is that if my husband would have gotten our house built 
> sooner, and built a simpler house, the comfort level here would have been 
> so much more tolerable and they would not have wanted so badly to leave. 
> As it is, we've been living in an old house that is barely above deer camp 
> comfort for 3 years and winter is here and it's cold, and we're still in 
> this old house.
>
> It's 4 a.m. and I just went outside and spent some time in the new house 
> we're building to try and sort things out. I can't even imagine leaving it 
> and never even spending one night in the new house. I can't imagine not 
> waking up and stepping out onto the porch to have coffee and watch the 
> sunrise and birds wake up in the mornings. I can't imagine selling off my 
> horses, chickens and dogs. I just can't imagine not being here. But I also 
> can't imagine how lonely it might be if my kids AND my husband left. Well, 
> I can imagine that easier than leaving. And that's the problem. What kind 
> of person does it make me if I'm willing to let them go without me? I'd be 
> choosing my own dream over their happiness. How much importance does my 
> own happiness matter when it comes to ethical/moral decisions like this? 
> It hurts so bad to be this close to finally living my dreams and then be 
> forced to choose between my dreams and my family.
>
> At any rate, I'm not going to make a choice right now. My husband still 
> has to find a job down there. He hasn't been working in 7 years, so i 
> imagine that it will not be easy. If he does get one, then I'm still not 
> quitting my own job right away to move because I want to at least finish 
> this house and spend one night in it. Plus, in these economic times who 
> knows which companies will fold and which will stand? I like having a job 
> right now. Which will mean spending at least one year away from the 
> family. By that time, maybe my youngest will decide to come home and my 
> daughter will be in college. My oldest is dead set on staying in this 
> area, so he'd still be here, but he's 22 and looking to get married and 
> start his own life. I'd let him build here, but it really is too far out 
> to be practical for a young couple trying to get started, so they need a 
> house closer to pavement to make working more economical. And my husband 
> has been dead set against having any of the kids build
> here. We disagree on so many issues and I'm so angry with my husband at 
> this point that I don't care what he decides to do.
>
> But I just wanted to hear some other opinions on the moral issue of 
> letting the family go while I stay behind to try and get this homestead 
> functioning on my own. Would you stay or would you hang it all up and go? 
> I know for a fact I will not be happy on a soul-level if I go, however I'm 
> sure I would eventually find some way to live a semi-satisfied life. thing 
> is, this dream is not a passing fancy of mine, it's been with me since 
> childhood. Not sure what it will do emotionally to get this close and walk 
> away. Not sure of the same when it comes to letting kids leave without me. 
> I hate this choice! I would rather have never gotten so close :(
>
> Roxann, NW AR
> http://blog.ancientearthwisdom.com (Ozark Musings from the homestead)
>
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