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["Lynda" <lurine AT softcom.net>]

Call the county and ask them if a death certificate has been filed.  Also 
ask if a will has been filed for probate.  If a will has been filed for 
probate, ask for the attorney handling it.  Usually attorneys are a bit more 
willing to give out generic information such as where an obit may have 
appeared AND will give you the info as to whether you are in the will if 
that is what the family is hoping to hide.

Lynda
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "EarthNSky" <erthnsky AT bellsouth.net>


> Thanks Van Dell, but I also have genealogy as a hobby (Ancestry member
> even), so I'm pretty well versed in what's out there to search, and
> after all, I did find my birthfamily. :)
> I made a bit of additional progress this afternoon.  I did find the
> funeral home, still no obituary, but just like the donation clinic, they
> wouldn't give me any information.  I also left a message on Tammy's
> ex-husband's answering machine. That may come back to bite me, though.
>
> Thanks everyone for the support, and Gene, you are right, one of the
> reasons I 'left' the family per se was to protect my kids from their
> manipulation and insanity. Of course, this has oft been turned around on
> me, as some claim I used the kids as weapons and that I am the one who
> is manipulating.  You have to go back 45 years to see the whole picture,
> but I do think things worked out the way they were supposed to.  I
> harbor no ill will towards my father-he made his choices fairly, and
> it's not his fault (nor mine) that the adoption failed in the emotional
> bond department-it's just one of those things that happen.  In this day
> and age, I probably would have been taken back by the agency or given
> back by my parents, but in the old days, parents just toughed it out
> when a bond failed to form.  I hold no hard feelings towards my adoptive
> parents, but the family I went to was just plain screwed up-on both sides.
> Marie, I liked the way you described the 'split family' thing.  Very true.
>
> B
>
> VAN DELL JORDAN wrote:
> > Bev, I also belong to an online geneology group.  They might have
> > some words of advice or words of understanding.  I can forward your
> > message to them if you like. Van Dell
> >
> > --- EarthNSky <erthnsky AT bellsouth.net> wrote:
> >
> > > An OT journal entry: No one should have to go through what I am
> > > going through to get a freaking copy of an obituary.  It sucks.
> > > It's embarrassing. When I found out my father died, I didn't find
> > > out much other than he donated his body to science.  I really
> > > wanted a copy of the obituary, that's all I wanted.  The first
> > > thing I did was search online for the obit.  I keep checking
> > > various newspapers, but I still haven't found one.  For someone of
> > >  his former prominence, you would think there would be one.  I had
> > >  to call the police department to find out most of what I know
> > > about his death, but even they couldn't give me the name of a
> > > funeral home. I had been informed that he donated his body to
> > > science, but there had been a funeral/memorial, so after a couple
> > > of days looking for his address and finally acquiring it, I did a
> > > mapquest search on nearby funeral homes.  I pulled up 30 funeral
> > > homes in a 10 mile radius, and I began calling them.  On the 5th
> > > one, a lady gave me the number for the U of TN and an additional
> > > clinic in the area that handled body donations. I called, explained
> > > the whole thing again, and finally made progress when the second
> > > clinic acknowledged that my father had used their body donation
> > > service. An hour later, someone from that clinic called me back,
> > > but they refused to tell me anything because my name wasn't listed
> > > as family.  The only thing they would do is to give me the name of
> > > the local paper where obits are commonly posted, a paper that I
> > > have been searching twice a day for a week now.  The lady did hint
> > > that the address I had for my sister is a current one, but she
> > > would not divulge a new phone number.  It was a small victory, but
> > > I'll take it.  I can at least write Tammy now, knowing I have a
> > > correct address. I actually have several siblings, 2 through my
> > > birthfamily, an older brother and sister, and 2 through my adoptive
> > >  family, a stepsister and a halfsister.  Both adoptive family
> > > sisters have mental problems, and my stepsister is currently in an
> > >  institution in Arkansas.  Before yesterday, I had not spoken to
> > > either of them in 15 years, but yesterday, I got the number for the
> > >  institution and called Cindy, my stepsister that is 2 months older
> > >  than me.  The other one, Tammy, is 7 years younger, and it is her
> > >  number that I am trying to get because she was Sonny's little
> > > girl, a Daddy's girl in every sense of the word, and I would like
> > > to talk to her to express my condolences. Cindy was surprisingly
> > > coherent when I talked to her, and being the good natured person
> > > that she is/was, gave me as much as she knew, but she did not have
> > > Tammy's number.  For anyone who has seen the movie _A Beautiful
> > > Mind_ with Russell Crowe can understand the situation with Cindy.
> > > It was good to make contact with Cindy again, but it was hard
> > > because I feel so guilty for abandoning her.  That's another story
> > > altogether, but suffice it to say that the sister I once knew and
> > > loved no longer exists and I just couldn't bear to watch her
> > > slowly, over and over, lose her mind.  There were times, years ago
> > > now, when I called her and she did not even know who I was. Tammy
> > > used to be fine, but I have heard through the grapevine that she
> > > was diagnosed bipolar and has also spent some time in institutions
> > > over the past 5 years. I've tried repeated to contact her
> > > ex-husband, but have so far not been able to get in touch with him.
> > >  He would have her number because they have a child together.
> > > Anyway, it's frustrating, and no one should have to go through
> > > this. My stepmother is just plain evil.  I rarely talk bad about
> > > anyone, but it is because of her that my father and I never had a
> > > relationship.  She is so meddling and manipulative in not only his
> > > life and mine, but note that both sisters are her children and the
> > > mental illness comes from her meddling in their lives.  I would say
> > >  that she, too, is mentally ill, but that would be a kind thing to
> > > excuse her behavior over the past 45 years...I prefer to think of
> > > her as possessed.  What other excuse could there be for someone to
> > > go to the lengths that she has gone to to insure that my father's
> > > side of the family did not even find out about his death?  I called
> > >  his sisters to notify them when I found out two weeks after the
> > > fact.  I want the obituary not only for myself, but for them. You
> > > wanna know another kicker to this sucky situation?  I found out
> > > yesterday that my in-laws knew and per my stepmother's request,
> > > they did not tell me that my father had died. I keep telling myself
> > >  that I made the right decision when I estranged myself and
> > > formally broke off relations with the family in a letter almost 15
> > > years ago-it was self preservation at the time as they had pretty
> > > much cut me off prior to that, but now, his death has brought back
> > > up old wounds and scars that I have to deal with, and frankly I
> > > just feel stiff and numb now, hardened to shots lobbed in my
> > > direction.
> > >
> > > I just want a copy of the obituary.  I don't want his money. Mother
> > >  told me that I was asking for more heartache by even wanting to
> > > see it, but it is validation for me, even if my name or existence
> > > wasn't mentioned.  Before talking with the clinic today, I held out
> > >  a small hope that I would be mentioned in an obit as a daughter,
> > > but after hearing that I wasn't on the family list, I kind of doubt
> > >  that now.
> > >
> > > This man was legally my father, despite our relationship, but
> > > adopted children don't have many rights when it comes to being
> > > family, despite the law.  The clinic would tell me nothing, even
> > > though the lady did believe me that I was his daughter.
> > >
> > > I keep asking myself why...why would Jane go to such lengths to
> > > keep me from knowing about his death?  Perhaps I am mentioned in
> > > the will after all and perhaps there will be a notice in the paper
> > > that she doesn't want me to see??  If I do inherit anything, I will
> > > either donate it to charity or put it in trust for my children.
> > > Perhaps she is just trying to get in one last shot...one last
> > > manipulative, controlling shot.... I don't know. No one should have
> > > to make 100 phone calls just to get an obituary, each one
> > > explaining why I can't contact the family or why as family, I don't
> > >  already know the information I seek.  It's frustrating, demeaning,
> > >  and embarrassing.  Did I bring this on myself?  Did I really do
> > > the right thing so many years ago?  I do know that I did the right
> > >  thing when I wrote my father a letter last year telling him that I
> > >  did care and that I was sorry for the way our relationship turned
> > >  out. He didn't respond, but that's okay, I got to say goodbye.
> > > Should I call my wicked stepmother and allow her her jollies to
> > > tell me to my face that she isn't going to tell me anything and
> > > allow her the opportunity to say "Screw you!"  What would Sonny
> > > want me to do?  Would he want me to care, or would he want me to
> > > forget about it or would he want me to contact Tammy??  I think he
> > >  would want me to contact Tammy...I
> > === message truncated ===
> >
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> --
> BevanRon of EarthNSky Farm   NW Georgia USDA Zone 7
> 34.498N 85.076W    Bev is Earth, Ron is Sky
>
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