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  • From: "Lynda" <lurine AT softcom.net>
  • To: <homestead AT lists.ibiblio.org>
  • Subject: Re: [Homestead] Just stiff (seriously OT, but I need to vent)
  • Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 19:47:55 -0800

Call the county and ask them if a death certificate has been filed. Also ask if a will has been filed for probate. If a will has been filed for probate, ask for the attorney handling it. Usually attorneys are a bit more willing to give out generic information such as where an obit may have appeared AND will give you the info as to whether you are in the will if that is what the family is hoping to hide.

Lynda
----- Original Message ----- From: "EarthNSky" <erthnsky AT bellsouth.net>


Thanks Van Dell, but I also have genealogy as a hobby (Ancestry member
even), so I'm pretty well versed in what's out there to search, and
after all, I did find my birthfamily. :)
I made a bit of additional progress this afternoon. I did find the
funeral home, still no obituary, but just like the donation clinic, they
wouldn't give me any information. I also left a message on Tammy's
ex-husband's answering machine. That may come back to bite me, though.

Thanks everyone for the support, and Gene, you are right, one of the
reasons I 'left' the family per se was to protect my kids from their
manipulation and insanity. Of course, this has oft been turned around on
me, as some claim I used the kids as weapons and that I am the one who
is manipulating. You have to go back 45 years to see the whole picture,
but I do think things worked out the way they were supposed to. I
harbor no ill will towards my father-he made his choices fairly, and
it's not his fault (nor mine) that the adoption failed in the emotional
bond department-it's just one of those things that happen. In this day
and age, I probably would have been taken back by the agency or given
back by my parents, but in the old days, parents just toughed it out
when a bond failed to form. I hold no hard feelings towards my adoptive
parents, but the family I went to was just plain screwed up-on both sides.
Marie, I liked the way you described the 'split family' thing. Very true.

B

VAN DELL JORDAN wrote:
Bev, I also belong to an online geneology group. They might have
some words of advice or words of understanding. I can forward your
message to them if you like. Van Dell

--- EarthNSky <erthnsky AT bellsouth.net> wrote:

An OT journal entry: No one should have to go through what I am
going through to get a freaking copy of an obituary. It sucks.
It's embarrassing. When I found out my father died, I didn't find
out much other than he donated his body to science. I really
wanted a copy of the obituary, that's all I wanted. The first
thing I did was search online for the obit. I keep checking
various newspapers, but I still haven't found one. For someone of
his former prominence, you would think there would be one. I had
to call the police department to find out most of what I know
about his death, but even they couldn't give me the name of a
funeral home. I had been informed that he donated his body to
science, but there had been a funeral/memorial, so after a couple
of days looking for his address and finally acquiring it, I did a
mapquest search on nearby funeral homes. I pulled up 30 funeral
homes in a 10 mile radius, and I began calling them. On the 5th
one, a lady gave me the number for the U of TN and an additional
clinic in the area that handled body donations. I called, explained
the whole thing again, and finally made progress when the second
clinic acknowledged that my father had used their body donation
service. An hour later, someone from that clinic called me back,
but they refused to tell me anything because my name wasn't listed
as family. The only thing they would do is to give me the name of
the local paper where obits are commonly posted, a paper that I
have been searching twice a day for a week now. The lady did hint
that the address I had for my sister is a current one, but she
would not divulge a new phone number. It was a small victory, but
I'll take it. I can at least write Tammy now, knowing I have a
correct address. I actually have several siblings, 2 through my
birthfamily, an older brother and sister, and 2 through my adoptive
family, a stepsister and a halfsister. Both adoptive family
sisters have mental problems, and my stepsister is currently in an
institution in Arkansas. Before yesterday, I had not spoken to
either of them in 15 years, but yesterday, I got the number for the
institution and called Cindy, my stepsister that is 2 months older
than me. The other one, Tammy, is 7 years younger, and it is her
number that I am trying to get because she was Sonny's little
girl, a Daddy's girl in every sense of the word, and I would like
to talk to her to express my condolences. Cindy was surprisingly
coherent when I talked to her, and being the good natured person
that she is/was, gave me as much as she knew, but she did not have
Tammy's number. For anyone who has seen the movie _A Beautiful
Mind_ with Russell Crowe can understand the situation with Cindy.
It was good to make contact with Cindy again, but it was hard
because I feel so guilty for abandoning her. That's another story
altogether, but suffice it to say that the sister I once knew and
loved no longer exists and I just couldn't bear to watch her
slowly, over and over, lose her mind. There were times, years ago
now, when I called her and she did not even know who I was. Tammy
used to be fine, but I have heard through the grapevine that she
was diagnosed bipolar and has also spent some time in institutions
over the past 5 years. I've tried repeated to contact her
ex-husband, but have so far not been able to get in touch with him.
He would have her number because they have a child together.
Anyway, it's frustrating, and no one should have to go through
this. My stepmother is just plain evil. I rarely talk bad about
anyone, but it is because of her that my father and I never had a
relationship. She is so meddling and manipulative in not only his
life and mine, but note that both sisters are her children and the
mental illness comes from her meddling in their lives. I would say
that she, too, is mentally ill, but that would be a kind thing to
excuse her behavior over the past 45 years...I prefer to think of
her as possessed. What other excuse could there be for someone to
go to the lengths that she has gone to to insure that my father's
side of the family did not even find out about his death? I called
his sisters to notify them when I found out two weeks after the
fact. I want the obituary not only for myself, but for them. You
wanna know another kicker to this sucky situation? I found out
yesterday that my in-laws knew and per my stepmother's request,
they did not tell me that my father had died. I keep telling myself
that I made the right decision when I estranged myself and
formally broke off relations with the family in a letter almost 15
years ago-it was self preservation at the time as they had pretty
much cut me off prior to that, but now, his death has brought back
up old wounds and scars that I have to deal with, and frankly I
just feel stiff and numb now, hardened to shots lobbed in my
direction.

I just want a copy of the obituary. I don't want his money. Mother
told me that I was asking for more heartache by even wanting to
see it, but it is validation for me, even if my name or existence
wasn't mentioned. Before talking with the clinic today, I held out
a small hope that I would be mentioned in an obit as a daughter,
but after hearing that I wasn't on the family list, I kind of doubt
that now.

This man was legally my father, despite our relationship, but
adopted children don't have many rights when it comes to being
family, despite the law. The clinic would tell me nothing, even
though the lady did believe me that I was his daughter.

I keep asking myself why...why would Jane go to such lengths to
keep me from knowing about his death? Perhaps I am mentioned in
the will after all and perhaps there will be a notice in the paper
that she doesn't want me to see?? If I do inherit anything, I will
either donate it to charity or put it in trust for my children.
Perhaps she is just trying to get in one last shot...one last
manipulative, controlling shot.... I don't know. No one should have
to make 100 phone calls just to get an obituary, each one
explaining why I can't contact the family or why as family, I don't
already know the information I seek. It's frustrating, demeaning,
and embarrassing. Did I bring this on myself? Did I really do
the right thing so many years ago? I do know that I did the right
thing when I wrote my father a letter last year telling him that I
did care and that I was sorry for the way our relationship turned
out. He didn't respond, but that's okay, I got to say goodbye.
Should I call my wicked stepmother and allow her her jollies to
tell me to my face that she isn't going to tell me anything and
allow her the opportunity to say "Screw you!" What would Sonny
want me to do? Would he want me to care, or would he want me to
forget about it or would he want me to contact Tammy?? I think he
would want me to contact Tammy...I
=== message truncated ===

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--
BevanRon of EarthNSky Farm NW Georgia USDA Zone 7
34.498N 85.076W Bev is Earth, Ron is Sky

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