Homestead mailing list

[VAN DELL JORDAN <vdjor AT yahoo.com>]

Bev,
I also belong to an online geneology group.  They
might have some words of advice or words of
understanding.  I can forward your message to them if
you like.
Van Dell

--- EarthNSky <erthnsky AT bellsouth.net> wrote:

> An OT journal entry:
> No one should have to go through what I am going
> through to get a
> freaking copy of an obituary.  It sucks.  It's
> embarrassing.
> When I found out my father died, I didn't find out
> much
> other than he donated his body to science.  I really
> wanted a copy of
> the obituary, that's all I wanted.  The first thing
> I did was search
> online for the obit.  I keep checking various
> newspapers, but I still
> haven't found one.  For someone of his former
> prominence, you would
> think there would be one.  I had to call the police
> department to find
> out most of what I know about his death, but even
> they couldn't give me
> the name of a funeral home.
> I had been informed that he donated his body to
> science, but there had
> been a funeral/memorial, so after a couple of days
> looking for his
> address and finally acquiring it, I did a mapquest
> search on nearby 
> funeral homes.  I pulled up 30 funeral homes in a 10
> mile radius, and I 
> began calling them.  On the 5th one, a lady gave me
> the number for the U 
> of TN and an additional clinic in the area that
> handled body donations. 
>   I called, explained the whole thing again, and
> finally made progress 
> when the second clinic acknowledged that my father
> had used their body 
> donation service.  An hour later, someone from that
> clinic called me 
> back, but they refused to tell me anything because
> my name wasn't listed 
> as family.  The only thing they would do is to give
> me the name of the 
> local paper where obits are commonly posted, a paper
> that I have been 
> searching twice a day for a week now.  The lady did
> hint that the 
> address I had for my sister is a current one, but
> she would not divulge 
> a new phone number.  It was a small victory, but
> I'll take it.  I can at 
> least write Tammy now, knowing I have a correct
> address.
> I actually have several siblings, 2 through my
> birthfamily, an older
> brother and sister, and 2 through my adoptive
> family, a stepsister and a
> halfsister.  Both adoptive family sisters have
> mental problems, and my
> stepsister is currently in an institution in
> Arkansas.  Before
> yesterday, I had not spoken to either of them in 15
> years, but
> yesterday, I got the number for the institution and
> called Cindy, my
> stepsister that is 2 months older than me.  The
> other one, Tammy, is 7
> years younger, and it is her number that I am trying
> to get because she
> was Sonny's little girl, a Daddy's girl in every
> sense of the word, and
> I would like to talk to her to express my
> condolences.
> Cindy was surprisingly coherent when I talked to
> her, and being the good
> natured person that she is/was, gave me as much as
> she knew, but she did
> not have Tammy's number.  For anyone who has seen
> the movie _A
> Beautiful Mind_ with Russell Crowe can understand
> the situation with
> Cindy.  It was good to make contact with Cindy
> again, but it was hard
> because I feel so guilty for abandoning her.  That's
> another story
> altogether, but suffice it to say that the sister I
> once knew and loved
> no longer exists and I just couldn't bear to watch
> her slowly, over and
> over, lose her mind.  There were times, years ago
> now, when I called her 
> and she did not even know who I was.
> Tammy used to be fine, but I have heard through the
> grapevine that she
> was diagnosed bipolar and has also spent some time
> in institutions over
> the past 5 years.  I've tried repeated to contact
> her ex-husband, but
> have so far not been able to get in touch with him. 
> He would have her
> number because they have a child together.  Anyway,
> it's frustrating,
> and no one should have to go through this.
> My stepmother is just plain evil.  I rarely talk bad
> about anyone, but
> it is because of her that my father and I never had
> a relationship.  She
> is so meddling and manipulative in not only his life
> and mine, but note
> that both sisters are her children and the mental
> illness comes from her
> meddling in their lives.  I would say that she, too,
> is mentally ill,
> but that would be a kind thing to excuse her
> behavior over the past 45
> years...I prefer to think of her as possessed.  What
> other excuse could
> there be for someone to go to the lengths that she
> has gone to to insure
> that my father's side of the family did not even
> find out about his
> death?  I called his sisters to notify them when I
> found out two weeks
> after the fact.  I want the obituary not only for
> myself, but for them.
> You wanna know another kicker to this sucky
> situation?  I found out
> yesterday that my in-laws knew and per my
> stepmother's request, they did
> not tell me that my father had died.
> I keep telling myself that I made the right decision
> when I estranged
> myself and formally broke off relations with the
> family in a letter
> almost 15 years ago-it was self preservation at the
> time as they had
> pretty much cut me off prior to that, but now, his
> death has brought
> back up old wounds and scars that I have to deal
> with, and frankly I
> just feel stiff and numb now, hardened to shots
> lobbed in my direction.
> 
> I just want a copy of the obituary.  I don't want
> his money.  Mother
> told me that I was asking for more heartache by even
> wanting to see it,
> but it is validation for me, even if my name or
> existence wasn't
> mentioned.  Before talking with the clinic today, I
> held out a small
> hope that I would be mentioned in an obit as a
> daughter, but after
> hearing that I wasn't on the family list, I kind of
> doubt that now.
> 
> This man was legally my father, despite our
> relationship, but adopted
> children don't have many rights when it comes to
> being family, despite
> the law.  The clinic would tell me nothing, even
> though the lady did
> believe me that I was his daughter.
> 
> I keep asking myself why...why would Jane go to such
> lengths to keep me
> from knowing about his death?  Perhaps I am
> mentioned in the will after
> all and perhaps there will be a notice in the paper
> that she doesn't
> want me to see??  If I do inherit anything, I will
> either donate it to
> charity or put it in trust for my children.  Perhaps
> she is just trying
> to get in one last shot...one last manipulative,
> controlling shot.... I
> don't know.
> No one should have to make 100 phone calls just to
> get an obituary, each
> one explaining why I can't contact the family or why
> as family, I don't
> already know the information I seek.  It's
> frustrating, demeaning, and
> embarrassing.  Did I bring this on myself?  Did I
> really do the right
> thing so many years ago?  I do know that I did the
> right thing when I
> wrote my father a letter last year telling him that
> I did care and that
> I was sorry for the way our relationship turned out.
>  He didn't respond,
>   but that's okay, I got to say goodbye.  Should I
> call my wicked 
> stepmother and allow her her jollies to tell me to
> my face that she 
> isn't going to tell me anything and allow her the
> opportunity to say 
> "Screw you!"  What would Sonny want me to do?  Would
> he want me to care, 
> or would he want me to forget about it or would he
> want me to contact 
> Tammy??  I think he would want me to contact
> Tammy...I 
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