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[Don Bowen <don.bowen AT earthlink.net>]

At 11/16/2006, you wrote:
> An OT journal entry:

I understand perfectly.  I was not told of my father's death for over a 
week after.  One of the aunts called my mother in a sort of "by the way" 
manner then my mother called my brother and I.



Don Bowen              Awl Knotted Up                       KI6DIU
http://www.braingarage.com
My travel journal
http://www.braingarage.com/Dons/Travels/journal/Journal.html

I am omnivagant.  
> From RayZentz AT aim.com  Thu Nov 16 17:29:01 2006
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Subject: Re: [Homestead] Just stiff (seriously OT, but I need to vent)
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My condolences to you, and your situation.   Unfortunately, I have no 
suggestions that would be helpful, except that I wish you luck.   Family 
situations can be either great blessings, or the bane of our existance, and 
sometimes, both.

Ray 


-----Original Message-----
From: erthnsky AT bellsouth.net
To: homestead AT lists.ibiblio.org
Sent: Thu, 16 Nov 2006 1:06 PM
Subject: [Homestead] Just stiff (seriously OT, but I need to vent)


An OT journal entry:
No one should have to go through what I am going through to get a
freaking copy of an obituary.  It sucks.  It's embarrassing.
When I found out my father died, I didn't find out much
other than he donated his body to science.  I really wanted a copy of
the obituary, that's all I wanted.  The first thing I did was search
online for the obit.  I keep checking various newspapers, but I still
haven't found one.  For someone of his former prominence, you would
think there would be one.  I had to call the police department to find
out most of what I know about his death, but even they couldn't give me
the name of a funeral home.
I had been informed that he donated his body to science, but there had
been a funeral/memorial, so after a couple of days looking for his
address and finally acquiring it, I did a mapquest search on nearby 
funeral homes.  I pulled up 30 funeral homes in a 10 mile radius, and I 
began calling them.  On the 5th one, a lady gave me the number for the U 
of TN and an additional clinic in the area that handled body donations. 
 I called, explained the whole thing again, and finally made progress 
when the second clinic acknowledged that my father had used their body 
donation service.  An hour later, someone from that clinic called me 
back, but they refused to tell me anything because my name wasn't listed 
as family.  The only thing they would do is to give me the name of the 
local paper where obits are commonly posted, a paper that I have been 
searching twice a day for a week now.  The lady did hint that the 
address I had for my sister is a current one, but she would not divulge 
a new phone number.  It was a small victory, but I'll take it.  I can at 
least write Tammy now, knowing I have a correct address.
I actually have several siblings, 2 through my birthfamily, an older
brother and sister, and 2 through my adoptive family, a stepsister and a
halfsister.  Both adoptive family sisters have mental problems, and my
stepsister is currently in an institution in Arkansas.  Before
yesterday, I had not spoken to either of them in 15 years, but
yesterday, I got the number for the institution and called Cindy, my
stepsister that is 2 months older than me.  The other one, Tammy, is 7
years younger, and it is her number that I am trying to get because she
was Sonny's little girl, a Daddy's girl in every sense of the word, and
I would like to talk to her to express my condolences.
Cindy was surprisingly coherent when I talked to her, and being the good
natured person that she is/was, gave me as much as she knew, but she did
not have Tammy's number.  For anyone who has seen the movie _A
Beautiful Mind_ with Russell Crowe can understand the situation with
Cindy.  It was good to make contact with Cindy again, but it was hard
because I feel so guilty for abandoning her.  That's another story
altogether, but suffice it to say that the sister I once knew and loved
no longer exists and I just couldn't bear to watch her slowly, over and
over, lose her mind.  There were times, years ago now, when I called her 
and she did not even know who I was.
Tammy used to be fine, but I have heard through the grapevine that she
was diagnosed bipolar and has also spent some time in institutions over
the past 5 years.  I've tried repeated to contact her ex-husband, but
have so far not been able to get in touch with him.  He would have her
number because they have a child together.  Anyway, it's frustrating,
and no one should have to go through this.
My stepmother is just plain evil.  I rarely talk bad about anyone, but
it is because of her that my father and I never had a relationship.  She
is so meddling and manipulative in not only his life and mine, but note
that both sisters are her children and the mental illness comes from her
meddling in their lives.  I would say that she, too, is mentally ill,
but that would be a kind thing to excuse her behavior over the past 45
years...I prefer to think of her as possessed.  What other excuse could
there be for someone to go to the lengths that she has gone to to insure
that my father's side of the family did not even find out about his
death?  I called his sisters to notify them when I found out two weeks
after the fact.  I want the obituary not only for myself, but for them.
You wanna know another kicker to this sucky situation?  I found out
yesterday that my in-laws knew and per my stepmother's request, they did
not tell me that my father had died.
I keep telling myself that I made the right decision when I estranged
myself and formally broke off relations with the family in a letter
almost 15 years ago-it was self preservation at the time as they had
pretty much cut me off prior to that, but now, his death has brought
back up old wounds and scars that I have to deal with, and frankly I
just feel stiff and numb now, hardened to shots lobbed in my direction.

I just want a copy of the obituary.  I don't want his money.  Mother
told me that I was asking for more heartache by even wanting to see it,
but it is validation for me, even if my name or existence wasn't
mentioned.  Before talking with the clinic today, I held out a small
hope that I would be mentioned in an obit as a daughter, but after
hearing that I wasn't on the family list, I kind of doubt that now.

This man was legally my father, despite our relationship, but adopted
children don't have many rights when it comes to being family, despite
the law.  The clinic would tell me nothing, even though the lady did
believe me that I was his daughter.

I keep asking myself why...why would Jane go to such lengths to keep me
from knowing about his death?  Perhaps I am mentioned in the will after
all and perhaps there will be a notice in the paper that she doesn't
want me to see??  If I do inherit anything, I will either donate it to
charity or put it in trust for my children.  Perhaps she is just trying
to get in one last shot...one last manipulative, controlling shot.... I
don't know.
No one should have to make 100 phone calls just to get an obituary, each
one explaining why I can't contact the family or why as family, I don't
already know the information I seek.  It's frustrating, demeaning, and
embarrassing.  Did I bring this on myself?  Did I really do the right
thing so many years ago?  I do know that I did the right thing when I
wrote my father a letter last year telling him that I did care and that
I was sorry for the way our relationship turned out.  He didn't respond,
 but that's okay, I got to say goodbye.  Should I call my wicked 
stepmother and allow her her jollies to tell me to my face that she 
isn't going to tell me anything and allow her the opportunity to say 
"Screw you!"  What would Sonny want me to do?  Would he want me to care, 
or would he want me to forget about it or would he want me to contact 
Tammy??  I think he would want me to contact Tammy...I think.. I don't 
think he would want me to contact Jane, because he knows our history 
better than anyone.  I feel like I did when I was 20 and he told me that 
I wasn't really his daughter because I was not of his blood...I feel 
like a wounded child, confused with no where to turn, about ready to 
reapproach the bitch that bit me when I tried to be nice so long ago. 
Why am I such a glutton for punishment? It's ironic that most adoptees 
have rejection issues with their birthfamily, but in my case, those 
issues stem from relationships within my adoptive family.
Life ain't fair.
I just feel stiff.
Bev

--
BevanRon of EarthNSky Farm   NW Georgia USDA Zone 7
34.498N 85.076W    Bev is Earth, Ron is Sky                 


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