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["roxann" <roxann AT ancientearthwisdom.com>]

Y'all are so great.

You have all given me lots of great things to think about. My heart is 
telling me to stay. My gut is telling me to stay. I think there will be a 
time when I will look back and be glad for the decision if i stay. DH will 
leave as soon as he gets a job. He's likely to leave during the Christmas 
holiday and just stay down there with his older daughter until he finds one 
or quits looking and comes back home. she lives between new orleans and baton 
rouge, in nearly the same area we lived before we moved up here.

I have a good job and it's likely to be able to weather hard times. And I 
feel the same way about staying put for that reason, too. My husband will be 
going into agricultural or plastics manufacturing, the chemical industry we 
both came up here to get away from. I don't see that lasting too long under 
current economic conditions. Although the plants are all expanding right now, 
they're doing so after having all that approved during the boom and it takes 
a long time for the wheels to start turning to get started building, but it 
doesn't take them long to make layoff decisions during bust times.

We had a discussion, or rather, ~I had a discussion yesterday with him about 
all this. When his company laid him off 7 years ago, we decided that I would 
go back to work (I had been out 7 years also) and he would take this chance 
to find his niche in life, do what makes him happy, since he had been 
miserable working shift work at a job he hated. But he just got more and more 
depressed and unhappy as time went on and my life was miserable with him. He 
complained (and still does) incessantly about everything and is happy about 
nothing. 3 years ago I told him that I had to make this move up here now or I 
would buy the land with money I'd saved and I'd be moving up here after the 
kids were grown with or without him. He's the one who decided we could do it 
now rather than later. During our discussion about this it dawned on me what 
the problem is. He doesn't know what makes him happy. I know exactly what 
makes me happy. And apparently it is not the same thing that makes him 
happy...he still doesn't know what that is. I have always felt happy around 
horses and mountains. Nature is a true soul connection for me. I don't feel a 
whole lot of attachment to people in my life, other than my children. But I 
feel a tremendous attachment to this wild land. My children will grow up and 
have their own lives and do their own things and they will leave me to do 
that. I've told them that I will help them achieve their goals and set them 
up in their own dreams no matter where it is and whether it's something I 
personally would want or not. They only have to put up with mine until they 
are grown and after that they'll pursue their own dreams. With my blessings. 
I would never guilt trip them for moving away if that's what they want to do, 
and I resent the people who are guilt tripping me for following my dream. If 
my husband had had a dream, I would have been happy enough to help him follow 
his. But he didn't have one and for 7 years has floundered around with no 
direction and following me by default. 

I love him, but sometimes love is not enough. There should also be 
companionship. I don't see where we will be good companions unless I give up 
all that there is to ~me and become whatever it is that he thinks I am. 
That's not fair to me or to him, or to the kids, and I can't bring myself to 
do it any longer.

so right this moment not much is going to change. if he has found a job and a 
place to live by the time next school year begins in august, our daughter at 
least will move down there with him. i'm still undecided about whether i'll 
let the 12 yr old go or not. i may make him wait until he's 14 to decide for 
himself. but i've done my soul searching about whether to stay or go, and i 
think i'm making the right choice. i'll finish the house and take care of 
business here. we're not talking divorce at this point, but i am having him 
sign over all the vehicles to my name so i can junk some of them and sell the 
others as needed. we have an old farm truck, an old jeep in the middle of 
restoration, a good jeep that needs repair at the shop (which i can't afford 
right now) and a couple fixer-uppers that keep taking turns breaking down. 
and one good car which i will keep. and i want to sell the bulldozer and buy 
a tractor. if he decides he wants to buy rather than rent down in la, then we 
might have to get a divorce because i don't want to be liable for his debts 
and i'll want the farm in my name so it won't get split up if he goes bust 
while he's down there. 

i'm grateful for y'all. this list is the only source of these kinds of 
opinions i can call on. no one else really understands what all is at stake, 
lol.

Roxann, NW AR
http://blog.ancientearthwisdom.com (Ozark Musings from the homestead)