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  • From: "Bo Williams" <bowilliams AT gmail.com>
  • To: "RTP-area local music and culture" <ch-scene AT lists.ibiblio.org>
  • Subject: Re: New and Pertinent Info About Chuck Norris
  • Date: Fri, 7 Apr 2006 09:27:23 -0400

I also am led to believe that all your base are belong to me. In addition, I
have a Nigerian fellow who would like to speak with you about certain
financial possibilities.

On 4/7/06, Jeremy Blair <jerblar AT gmail.com> wrote:
>
> Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
>
> Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>
> Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
> trademarked
> names for his left and right legs.
>
> The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>
> If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
> Norris,
> you may be only seconds away from death.
>
> Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
>
> Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
> probability
> of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
>
> Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible
> only
> with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
>
> Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
> man ate a fucking Indian.
>
> In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
> notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
> the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
>
> Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
> the
> speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
> flying over the Pacific Ocean.
>
> Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes
> corn
> needs to lie the fuck down.
>
> The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out.
> It
> failed miserably.
>
> Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of
> northern
> Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of
> being
> bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred
> vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being
> repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
>
> Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and
> they're
> all poisonous.
>
> If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
> 'til."
> After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
> face.
>
>
> Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
>
> When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
> only
> a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not
> had
> to pay taxes, ever.
>
> The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
>
> Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with
> eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient:
> Fear.
>
> CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update
> Americans
> with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
>
> Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
>
> There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
> Norrisallows to live.
>
> Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first
> 45
> minutes having sex with his waitress.
>
> What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
> before they died? His shoe.
>
> Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
> tennis.
>
> Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
>
> A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
> handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
> belongs
> to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
>
> Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the
> Magnolia.
>
> Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called
> Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
>
> If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
>
> Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game,
> but
> was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
> roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
> glitch."
>
> Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you
> up.
>
> The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on
> games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
>
> Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by
> yelling, "Bang!"
>
> Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit.
> On
> July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
> streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
> embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a
> beer.
>
> Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
>
> Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
> best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
> worst
> mistake anyone has ever made.
>
> Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
> Chucktatorship.
>
> Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
> swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six
> feet tall and had learned kung fu.
>
> Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
> Norris.
>
> Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able
> to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck
> Norris's warm-up exercises.
>
> Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
> Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and
> yell "What The Fuck was That?"
>
> Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
>
> Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
>
> The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4,
> because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of
> the world in one turn.
>
> In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use
> to
> kill you, including the room itself.
>
> According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of
> Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
>
> Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American
> Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick
> to
> the face.
>
> When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
> instead
> requests a hand gun and a bucket.
>
> There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed
> on.
>
> Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of
> beard,
> which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were
> enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged
> to
> have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious
> roundhouse-kick related injuries.
>
> Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
>
> When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up
> the phone and money falls out.
>
> Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there
> was a stripper in it.
>
> Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard
> legs.
> Hence, snakes.
>
> When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was
> 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
>
> A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of
> execution in 16 states.
>
> Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is
> roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
>
>
> If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of
> Australia for 44 minutes.
>
> Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983
> World
> Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free
> Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game
> UNO.
> -- ch-scene: the list that mirrors alt.music.chapel-hill --
> http://lists.ibiblio.org/mailman/listinfo/ch-scene
>




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