Skip to Content.
Sympa Menu

ch-scene - New and Pertinent Info About Chuck Norris

ch-scene AT lists.ibiblio.org

Subject: RTP-area local music and culture

List archive

Chronological Thread  
  • From: "Jeremy Blair" <jerblar AT gmail.com>
  • To: "RTP-area local music and culture" <ch-scene AT lists.ibiblio.org>
  • Subject: New and Pertinent Info About Chuck Norris
  • Date: Fri, 7 Apr 2006 08:40:42 -0400

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris,
you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability
of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only
with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the
man ate a fucking Indian.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in
the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie the fuck down.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It
failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern
Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being
bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred
vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being
repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're
all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til."
After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.


Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only
a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had
to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with
eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient:
Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans
with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norrisallows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45
minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the
Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called
Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck you up.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on
games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On
July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere,
streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a
beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once
swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six
feet tall and had learned kung fu.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able
to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck
Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and
yell "What The Fuck was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4,
because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of
the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to
kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, the Native American "Trail of
Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American
Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to
the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead
requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed
on.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard,
which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were
enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to
have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious
roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up
the phone and money falls out.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there
was a stripper in it.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.
Hence, snakes.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was
10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of
execution in 16 states.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is
roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of
Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World
Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free
Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game
UNO.




Archive powered by MHonArc 2.6.24.

Top of Page