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  • From: "B Holroyd" <beeholroyd AT gmail.com>
  • To: stan AT stanbriggs.com, "Internetworkers: http://www.ibiblio.org/internetworkers/" <internetworkers AT lists.ibiblio.org>
  • Subject: Re: [internetworkers] The Dix Property
  • Date: Wed, 3 May 2006 10:45:17 -0400

Stan, I like your letter -- it's heartfelt, it makes excellent points, it's less than a page long, its paragraphs are short and relatively punchy.
 
Rhetoric, however, generally fails to impress newspaper editors, who are among your target group. Mr. Wesley, my first editor (bless him), would have cheered your sentiment but required you to collapse the first set of bullets and completely do away with the second and third sets.
 
Mr. Wesley would have pointed out that the bullets used in the first case are there to avoid repetition, so you'd need to remove "We can't waste it because" from each item, add it to the introductory phrase at the top of the list, put a colon after it, then start each item with a lowercase letter, such as:
 

But we can't waste this opportunity because:

       developers' friends on the governing bodies are salivating at the opportunity to develop a piece of land the size and location of the Dix property

      high pressure sales pitches would have us use part of this pristine area for anything other than the park that it deserves to be

      we don't really appreciate this opportunity to be a part of a decision that will be monumental in its effect on the future growth and perception of this fine city.

Notice that, in this setup, the period only comes at the end of the third item, even though each item is indeed a sentence. (This is entirely due to the incomplete sentence that introduces the list.) Some writers would want to end the first and second items with a semicolon, but that's getting a bit academic. To achieve a smoother flow, you may prefer to carry this edit a step further and form complete sentences for both the list introduction and items, as follows. 

But we can't waste this opportunity because of the usual power plays and hubris.

      Developers' friends on the governing bodies are salivating at the opportunity to develop a piece of land the size and location of the Dix Property.

      High pressure sales pitches would have us use part of this pristine area for anything other than the park that it deserves to be.

      We don't really appreciate that this opportunity is part of a decision that will be monumental in its effect on the future growth and perception of this fine city.

 
Also, to add yet more punch, you'd want to bring the passive, weak "are salivating" to heel: "Developer's friends on the governing bodies salivate at the opportunity to develop...." You could also firm up the last item in this list, removing the waffling "really" and making the sentence direct and active: "We don't appreciate the fact that this decision monumentally affects the future character and growth of this fine city." (Modifying it further to begin, "A number of us fail to appreciate the fact..." would also bring the sentence into a positive tone and let you avoid tarring everyone with the same brush of uncaring myopia.)
 
The second and third sets of bullets are very like the first, with the repetitious "It will take" and "Just so" negating the primary reason newspaper folks use bulleted lists (saving precious space). Mr Wesley would probably point out that, in such a brief piece, the inclusion of these additional bulleted lists dilutes the visual power of the first one. Perhaps each item could stand alone as a very brief, punchy paragraph, without the rhetorical introduction, but with the initial construction that retains the flavor of your rhetoric.
 

This decision will take people with foresight and with hearts and minds that can see and understand what an impact this piece of land could have.

 

This decision requires leadership to listen to what the people of this area want -- not to the special interest groups that have only selfish interests at heart.


 

Why use it for anything but an open park?  So our government can make a few dollars off of selling some property that can never be recovered? S o developers with connections on the council can line their pockets with profits from the single most unique piece of property that this city has ever had developed?

 
Finally, your last two sentences are close enough to parallel construction that you should go with it (cut out "like" and go with "would" in the second sentence):
 
What would New York City be without Central Park? What would Raleigh be with it?
 
Good luck, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to whip out my editor's pencil!
 
~B

 
On 5/2/06, Stan Briggs <stan AT stanbriggs.com> wrote:
all,

attached is a letter(?) that i'm getting ready to send to the legislative
folks and some local newpapers. i believe that this group (INW) might would
be interested in it's content and in making it better.

give it read. give me feedback. heck, give me a cold beer and some nachos
with extra peppers, too.

feel free to email me on or off list.

thanks,
stan

Stan B. Briggs


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