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  • From: Rani Gill <ranigrrl AT yahoo.com>
  • To: InterNetWorkers <internetworkers AT franklin.oit.unc.edu>
  • Subject: NYTimes article: He-Mails, She-Mails: Where Sender Meets Gender
  • Date: Thu, 17 May 2001 07:49:08 -0700 (PDT)



An interesting little piece on gender differences in using e-mail. My
favirote quote -- though I don't really agree with it:

Her research shows that in online groups, "men tend to make strong
assertions," disagree with others and use profanity, insults and
sarcasm. By contrast, women tend to use mitigated assertions along
with questions, offers, suggestions and polite expressions, she
said.

\----------------------------------------------------------/

He-Mails, She-Mails: Where Sender Meets Gender


By JOYCE COHEN



WITH their wedding party scattered across 3,000 miles, Gladys We and
Tony Nathan did much of their wedding planning by e-mail.

For their first-anniversary gift last September, their bridesmaid
Grace Cheng compiled all the wedding correspondence into a handmade
book. About 90 percent of the book consisted of messages sent among
the bride and her bridesmaids. A paltry 10 percent was messages
among the men.

The women held forth not just on wedding minutiae like heel height
and earring style, but also on a whole lot more - "stories about
our days, support over little frustrations, congratulations on
little triumphs," said Ms. We, a graphic designer in Vancouver,
British Columbia. "The groomsmen sent a couple of wedding jokes and
reminded each other of the tux fitting."

Ms. We continues to exchange e-mail daily with her female friends.
"A message is a bright spot in the day," she said. "It's like a
kaffeeklatsch of girlfriends getting together to talk."

She added, "My husband finds it odd."

Of course he does. He's a guy.

But it does not seem at all odd to many e- mail users, who can't
help noticing that women are so often voluble and open on screen,
while men are terse and tight-lipped.

"My female friends write huge, long things - the latest gossip and
every little, minute detail of what's going on, and really specific
stuff about school and social life and everything," said Leslie
Wright, a student at Barnard College. "With guys, it's more like an
outline."

Indeed, communication researchers who are beginning to study the
e-mail behavior of men and women say they are finding real
differences. But they are also finding some surprises in how those
differences are expressed.

In general, they say, women tend to use the electronic medium as
an extension of the way they talk - lavishly and intimately, to
connect with people and build rapport. Men, in both speech and
text, incline toward a briefer, more utilitarian style, the
researchers say - a style they variously term instrumental,
functional or transactional.

But some researchers have detected something else going on. The
disinhibiting effect of e- mail, they say, makes it possible for
people of few words - men, usually - to convey thoughts and
feelings that they would find nearly impossible to say aloud.

David Becker, a Manhattan lawyer, fits the pattern of the taciturn
male. He uses e-mail often with a group of male friends from
college and said that "95 percent of the messages are coordinating
stuff to do with our free time."

He added, "There's usually a practical reason for the e-mail,
like, `What are we doing tonight?' or `Can you get out of work
early?' not, `Let's catch up.' " The replies are short and
informational, he said, though they sometimes include insults and
clowning around.

E-mail messages from his former girlfriend, however, "read like a
one- sided phone conversation," Mr. Becker said.

"She would send me, literally, thousand-word e-mails with
questions and thoughts and all this stuff."

Though he would not always read the message immediately, "I would
never delete one without reading it," he said. "If I replied at
all, it would be, `My day is going fine, I'll talk to you later.' "


There are more subtle differences, as well. Ms. Wright and her
female friends tend to read their e-mail as soon as they receive it
and reply at once. "Even if I don't have a lot of time, I will
respond right away and be, like, `I don't have time now, but will
write a longer e-mail later,' " she said. "If I e-mail a guy, I
have to wait a few days to get a response. Guy friends are horrible
that way, but guys who are interested in you are better."

Dr. Linnda Caporael said she felt obligated to humanize her
messages. Not only does she answer her e-mail promptly, but she
adds detail, even when her correspondents are seeking a one-word
answer.

"I say, `Yes, that's fine,' or `Yes, that's O.K.,' " said Dr.
Caporael, who teaches social science at Rensselaer Polytechnic
Institute in Troy, N.Y. A "no" answer gets a more elaborate
explanation.

"Why can't I just say no?" she said. "If I know someone, I will
answer even longer."

Of course, many factors besides sex - including age, income,
education and status - influence what is said, and there are many
forms of electronic communication. There are private messages and
public ones; e- mail messages sent for social, business or romantic
reasons; those traded within single-sex or mixed groups; and notes
between people who know each other well, a bit, or not at all.

"No generalization applies to all forms of computer-mediated
communication," said Dr. Susan C. Herring, associate professor of
information science and linguistics at Indiana University at
Bloomington. "The key word is context."

Still, when it comes to public e- mail - message boards, mailing
lists and chat rooms - Dr. Herring and other researchers have noted
how typical speech patterns translate into online text. Her
research shows that in online groups, "men tend to make strong
assertions," disagree with others and use profanity, insults and
sarcasm. By contrast, women tend to use mitigated assertions along
with questions, offers, suggestions and polite expressions, she
said. They are supportive and agreeable, peppering their messages
with more emoticons and representations of laughter, like "haha,"
"heehee" and "lol," for "laughing out loud."

Except for an inclination to start or fan flame wars, men in
online groups tend to limit the interaction, while women encourage
others to engage, said Dr. David Silver, an assistant professor at
the University of Washington and the director of the online
Resource Center for Cyber Culture Studies (www.otal.umd.edu
/~rccs).

"Men come online to give information or give an answer, and in
essence stop the conversation," he said. "Women add a question,
tweak a thread or make things more complicated. I have found
mailing lists dominated by women to be much more interesting,
collegial and communitarian."

Still, the loose-lips effect of e-mail, which leads people to
write as candidly as if they were writing in a diary, despite
knowing their words will be read on the other end, is especially
powerful for some men. Those who are usually reluctant to divulge
personal information or betray emotion often find that e-mail
provides a layer of distance they find liberating.

"The electronic distance that lets men write so freely is akin to
their preferred way of speaking - without a direct face-to-face
alignment that makes a lot of men uncomfortable," said Dr. Deborah
Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and a
pioneer in the field of sex differences in language.


E-mail can impose a "beneficial distance" that is useful for times
when verbal communication is "too rich," Dr. Herring added. "For
many men, e-mail may take some of the emotional charge off loaded
emotional situations."

For example, Mike Murnane, a real estate broker in Palo Alto,
Calif., finds it much easier to express his affection for his grown
children - three daughters and a son - through e-mail.

"In person, my girls and my wife talk frequently and rapidly, and
I don't get a chance to say much," Mr. Murnane said. "With the
phone, at least for me, there has to be some reason to call. But
with e-mail you can say any random thing - a thought or something
that happened - and send it off quickly. It's easy for me to
acknowledge what my children do in a very loving way."

His middle daughter, Maria Murnane, keeps a computer file of her
father's e-mail messages. "I cherish them, because he is so shy and
nonexpressive," she said. "I get the sweetest e-mails and he says
things he never says in person."

E-mail works well, too, when it comes to conflict. Martin Ogawa,
who works at an online directory service in San Francisco, prefers
e- mail for difficult discussions with his fiancée, Cheryl Kaplan.

"When I know she is upset with me, I will send her an e-mail
instead of calling," Mr. Ogawa said. "It's less confrontational. It
makes it easier to resolve the issue and move forward."

Whatever the difficult subject - a concrete one like finances or a
murky one like their relationship, "e- mail helps me approach the
subject in a less aggressive manner," said Ms. Kaplan, a lawyer.
"On the phone, I don't give Martin enough time to give his side
because I'm too busy giving him my version."

Still, she would always prefer a real conversation. "If I wrote a
response, I'd be typing for days," she said. "A million things are
going through my head, and all I want to do is pick up the phone
and talk about it."

http://www.nytimes.com/2001/05/17/technology/17TALK.html?ex=991117021&ei=1&en=7437be3e6c899329

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ranigrrl AT yahoo.com

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