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[Diana Duncan <dianaduncan AT contentdb.net>]

I am currently reading one of the most laugh-out-loud hilarious books 
ever, and I just have to share the following -- it seems to be a 
wonderful distillation of the teachings of Jesus to me.  But what do I 
know, I'm an atheist who was raised Unitarian.  Whatever, I was 
cracking up when I read this.  By the way, the book is Christopher 
Moore's _Lamb_, and it's subtitle is _The Gospel According to Biff, 
Christ's Childhood Pal_

If you are a devout Christian who is going to be offended by this, 
please don't read on.  Throughout, Levi who is called Biff refers to 
Jesus as Joshua, which is his name in the vernacular.

"Joshua's ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times 
a day, and although there were some high and low points, I could never 
remember the sermons word for word, but here's the gist of almost every 
sermon I ever heard Joshua give.
        You should be nice to people, even creeps.
        And if you:
                a) believed that Joshua was the Son of God (and)
                b) he had come to save you from sin (and)
		c) acknowledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a little child, 
he would say) (and)
                d) didn't blaspheme the Holy Ghost (see c),
        then you would:
                e) live forever
                f) someplace nice
                g) probably heaven.
        However, if you:
                h) sinned (and/or)
                i) were a hypocrite (and/or)
                j) valued things over people (and)
                k) didn't do a, b, c, and d,
        then you were:
                l) fucked"