Homestead mailing list

[tvoivozhd <tvoivozd AT infionline.net>]

Gene:  "What is the leading cause of death in the United States today ?"

Tvoivozhd:  "I dunno, cancer, heart failure ?"

Gene:  "Nope, it is "Natural Causes"---nothing else even comes close, 
not cancer, not getting kicked in the head by a

mule, not even being compelled by a High School English teacher to read 
James Joyce' Ulysses."

Tvoivozhd: "I'll bite, How does your Theory of Everything account for 
this strange event?"

Gene:  "Not so fast, not so fast, we have to go a long way back into 
history to get a clearer picture of the problem,

and what we can do to improve the future prospects of Homo Sapiens."

Tvoivozhd:  " OK, as James and some other weirdos on the Homestead List 
suggest, I suppose we should garden

organically, all drink spring water, and ride a burro to work."

Gene: "No, no, no---you aren't thinking clearly---as history clearly 
illustrates, all those things are bad for you"'

As a result of living Naturally, billions and billions of your ancestors 
and mine have died at an early age--usually

in their 30's, when they weren't so profusely blessed by chemicals in 
their air, water and food as we are today."

Tvoivozhd:  "These poisons are really beneficial, and chemical companies 
really just suffer from a bad press?"

Gene:  "Of course, numbers do not lie."  "Life expectancy in the United 
States is now almost eighty and prodicted to

climb.  "We must increase our intake of arsenic,hydrocyanic acid, e-coli 
and,endocrine disruptors from Unnatural

Sources."  "It is my advice that everyone on the Homestead List sell 
their property and move within a mile of a coal

-burning Amerrican Electric Power Plant---downwind of course."

"And as the most crushing blow to those evil Natural Causes, everyone 
should be compelled by law to build a

Fermenting Gene Pool to modify their genome, both by frequent, total 
immersion, and conspicuous consumption. I have

patented the formula of this worst of all possible Unnatural Causes---it 
is "Liquid Lobotomy", a particulerly hideous

variant of the "Bad Frog Beer" that has gagged so many of my house 
guests and their pet alligators at Heartwood."

Tvoivozhd:  "I can see that you are a worthy Successor to Mother 
Theresa, how could we possibly thank you enough?"

Gene:  By staying away from Linux and using a Microsoft OS on your 
computer.  I am sure you have noticed that the new

Microsoft "Longhorn" has been both watered down and much delayed. The 
true cause can now be disclosed.  Billy Boy and

I have reached an agreement on the Longhorn replacement to be known as 
the "Gee Gee"  When you start up your

computer, you will see my Liquid Lobotomy formula instead of the 
familiar Microsoft banner.  We are still working out

the division of the loot when you buy "Gee Gee", but 50-50 seems fair. I 
could get more, but I don't want to look

greedy in the performance of a public service like promotion of 
worldwide Unnatural Causes as the cure for what ails

the human race.