permaculture

[Keith Johnson <keithdj@mindspring.com>]

I've seen this before but not in exactly this format:


LIBERAL
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to
your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more
government programs to help your neighbor get a cow.
You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cow-lessness.
Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn’t attend
because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3
or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that
you care about cow-less people, even though you really haven’t done
anything to help them at all.

CONSERVATIVE
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
You cram four cows into the space for one and get more cows.
Cows get sick –hey, pump ‘em full of antibiotics and you save money.
Feed them ground-up sheep brains and you save more.
Fatten them fast on growth hormone, then butcher quick before they die.
Deny any link between sick consumers and your practices.
Hire spin artists to dismiss Mad Cow disease.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to
support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts
stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have four cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have eight cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really
have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s
private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they
were in the hospital.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn’t.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows.”
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7TH of your farm
“for the children.”
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped
their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times’ analysis shows your business failure is Bush’s fault.

DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

ENVIRONMENTALISM
You have two cows.
The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM
You have two cows.
They get married and adopt a veal calf.

FEUDALISM
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.

PURE COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows.
Give the milk to the government.

PURE FASCISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you 
the milk.

NAZISM
The government shoots you, takes the cows and feeds one to the army and 
the other to the police.

ANARCHISM
Keep the cows.
Steal a few more cows.

ANARCHY
You have two cows.
Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill 
you and take the cows.

CONSERVATISM
Milk the cows, enbalm the cows, freeze the milk, nuke the cows to keep 
from spreading the disease.
Phase out over five years the amount of milk you’re required to give to 
the government.

LIBERALISM
Give the milk back to the cows.
Let them escape.
Put the cows on the Voter Registration list.

LIBERTARIANISM
Milk the cows and keep it for yourself; hope the populace can find milk 
elsewhere.

MILITIAISM
Start shooting if they come for your cows.

MILITARIANISM
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After 
the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures.
The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad.
The government doesn’t do anything.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY
You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an 
apartment.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the 
phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but 
no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE
Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of 
this milk!

PERMACULTURE
You have two cows.
________________________________________________fill in the blank.
(I'm tempted to offer a free subscription to the Activist for the best 
answer)

--
Keith Johnson
"Be fruitful and mulch apply."
Permaculture Activist Magazine
PO Box 5516, Bloomington, IN 47407
(812) 335-0383
http://www.permacultureactivist.net
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Switch to Solar Power the Easy Way
http://www.jointhesolution.com/KeithJ-SunPower
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Blog: http://kjpermaculture.blogspot.com/
also Patterns for Abundance Design & Consulting
http://www.permacultureactivist.net/design/Designconsult.html
also Association for Regenerative Culture
http://www.ARCulture.org
also APPLE-Bloomington (Alliance for a Post-Petroleum Local Economy) It's a 
small world after oil.
http://www.relocalize.net/groups/applebloomington
also Bloomington Permaculture Guild
http://my.calendars.net/bloomingtonpccal/
and: http://bloomingtonpermacultureguild.blogspot.com/
also: Bioregional Congress
http://www.bioregional-congress.org