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["Ben Goetter" <goetter AT mazama.net>]

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/14/weekinreview/_14ZELLER.html


The New York Times
Sunday 14 April, 2002, Week in Review
HEADLINE: Blame the Monkeys

BYLINE: TOM ZELLER

* * *

"Rare books . . . were torn apart by a group of marauding monkeys Monday."
- The Press Trust of India (April 2).

"[In Japan], sensational news reports about monkeys 'molesting women and
children' have stirred police officers to form monkey posses, patrolling
streets with nets and bananas tied to poles."
- The New York Times (April 12).

"The cartoon characters found that Rio de Janeiro is a city where all men
are bisexual, where fearsome monkeys roam the streets, and tourists are
kidnapped by taxi drivers and mugged by children."
- The Guardian, referring to an episode of "The Simpsons" in which the
family travels to Brazil (April 9). The Rio tourist board objected and the
show's producers apologized.

"What really hurt was the idea of the monkeys."
- Spokesman for the Rio tourist board, to Reuters (April 8).

* * *

An open letter to all humans from
-- S.I.M.I.A.N. --
Society for Improving the Monkey Image And Name

  Friends,
  Let us, the monkeys of the world, first express our heartfelt and sincere
concern for your population in these extraordinary and difficult times.  We
understand that your economies are sagging, that your financial and
religious institutions have been rocked by scandal and that you just aren't
having as much fun as you used to.  As a fun-loving (and lovable!) species
ourselves, we share your distress.
  That being said, it has become clear, through numerous press reports,
government actions and official statements, that the reputation of monkeys
everywhere has become sullied by the behavior of a mere few.  Let us be
clear: we condemn the actions of these rogue monkeys.
  The shredding of documents in India was carried out by a few local
primates acting on their own.  The incidents involving women and children in
Japan are reprehensible, and in an effort to cooperate with local
authorities, we have turned over a list of names of those monkeys accused of
such activity.  We are also currently considering legal action -- in concert
with the tourist board of Rio de Janeiro -- for the inaccurate portrayal of
the Brazilian port city in a recent episode of the American television
pogram "The Simpsons."  Rio de Janeiro is NOT overrun by ravenous,
ill-behaved monkeys.  For the record, I have never been to Rio de Janerio,
nor do I know any monkeys who have.
  These incidents have tarnished our image as curious, trustworthy anumals
to whom humans can look for cheap entertainment and anthropomorphic thrills.
Collectively, we have provided those services faithfully for thousands of
years.
  The government programs being undertaken in Japan and elsewhere to reduce
our number have the effect of punishing an entire population for the actions
of a few.  This may well cause the collapse of monkeys everywhere -- monkeys
who have never stolen a banana, never destroyed a document, never approached
a human inappropriately.  The majority of monkeys are frisky but
family-oriented adherents of the natural order.
  I, my human friends, am a monkey.
  We look forward to working with you in the future, and to mending this
current mood of distrust and suspicion.
  Respectfully yours,
  Marcel
  S.I.M.I.A.N. vice chair

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