The #1 source for news about monkeys and apes

[annia <ciezadlo AT earthlink.net>]

At last, the long-awaited second installment of the
Monkeywire "monthly" column. This column supplements the
news wire by publishing writing (and pictures!) about
monkeys that isn't strictly news. As with the wire, we'd
like to keep the column focused on monkey behavior and media
representations of same.

We've got a high-falutin' lineup this time: Alex Stevenson's
monkey phone call got "dozens of bids" exceeding $200,
according to the humor website amnewsabuse.com. And widely
published poet Jennifer L. Knox usually lends her talents to
more intellectual venues, like Ploughshares and Best
American Poetry (if you're in New York, you can see Jennifer
read at St. Mark's Church-in-the-Bowery April 12th). But
alas, we have no links. Send links! And feel free to review
them.

Submissions for future columns should be sent to
annia AT monkeywire.org by the first of the month. If no
submissions come in, the column will skip a month.

*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*

INCLUDED HEREIN:

1. Monkey phone call. Ebay posting by Alex Stevenson.
2. Monkeybone review. Joe Garden.
3. MVP review. Joe Garden.
4. Mighty, Mighty Primate: Reconsidered. Poem by Jennifer L.
Knox.
5. Oscar Wilde. Clip submitted by Carrie McLaren.
6. "I Can't Believe It's Temporary" Tattoos. From Joe
Garden.


[EBAY AUCTION POSTING]
E-MONKEY BUSINESS

This is a free monkey phone call from me. This is a real
auction, no joke. When you pay, I will call you and make
this sound "ee EEEE ee EEEE eee EEEEE"... it's kind of like
a monkey shrieking sound. Not a big fat monkey..and not like
a gorilla...but like a monkey that's the size of a
chihuahua...you know, like that old Taco Bell dog. So this
monkey sound will be like "ee EEEE ee EEEE eee EEEEE". There
will be no other additional monkey sounds. However, if you
want and are willing to pay an additional $10, I will make a
monkey grunt sound.

The monkey grunt sound will go like "ooo ooo". Imagine a
monkey sitting on top of a donkey while making that sound.
Why a donkey? Because monkeys on donkeys sound better. The
call will be about 1 minute. The following is a scripted
call:

RING RING
Buyer: Hello?
Me: "I am super monkey and here's a monkey sound: ee EE ee
EEEE ee EEE"
Buyer: Wow, this is so cool A super monkey is calling me!
Me: "oo ooo oo super monkey is on a donkey ooo ooo oo"
Buyer: Wow, a DONKEY!!!
Me: "Thank you, it has been a pleasure doing monkey business
with you" (That joke about monkey business will be free!!!
Get it? MONKEY business! HAHA)
Buyer: "Thank you, sir. I will buy 10 more monkey phone
calls from you. Does your company have any stock? I wish to
buy 10,000 shares."
End of conversation.

When you win, you have to tell me the time to call you. It
has to be between 6 pm and 7 pm US pacific time. You only
have a one hour time frame. If this time isn't good enough,
then you can request a 7 to 8 pm time frame, but you won't
get the joke about it being monkey business. This offer is
also only valid in the United States. Acceptable forms of
payment are cash, pay pal or money order.
As of this writing the current bid is $208.50

--Alex Stevenson, Yamagata, Japan
alexs19 AT hotmail.com


[MOVIE REVIEW]
JUST OUT OF THEATERS: MONKEYBONE

Most monkey fans know that Brendan Fraser, while not far
removed from our primitive ancestors (see Encino Man for
proof absolute), should generally be avoided. Pair him up
with a computer-animated monkey in a fez, though, and you
can color me first in line! Or at least you can color me in
theaters before it leaves for good, which in this case was
about three weeks after it opened.

Fraser plays Stu Miley, a modest cartoonist on the verge of
making it big when Captain Tragedy hits and he tumbles into
a coma. In coma land, he meets his creation Monkeybone, a
monkey who acts out his id impulses and is attracted to Rose
MacGowan's cleavage. Just when Stu seems about to wake,
Monkeybone takes over his body. And he is totally going to
steal his girlfriend.

Jokes are few and far between, at least until the last half
hour where the movie is saved by Chris Kattan--and how low
does a movie have to sink before Chris Kattan can save it?
Oh, and Bob Odenkirk also appears in the film. So does Dave
Foley. Two great comedians, one mediocre movie. Completely
unessential in the monkey movie pantheon, but really not as
bad as everyone made it out to be.

--Joe Garden
joegarden AT yahoo.com


[VIDEO REVIEW]
NOW ON VIDEO AND DVD: MVP MOST VALUABLE PRIMATE

Jack is a chimp. A primate researcher is educating Jack to
be a superchimp, but his secret passion is skating on
rollerblades with the semi-retarded janitor. When the
researcher dies, as indicated by the spilling of his milk on
the floor, the University's other researchers are less
interested in making Jack a superchimp than in infecting him
with nasty diseases. The janitor arranges his escape to a
California sanctuary by train--only Jack oversleeps and
winds up in Canada! Canada is a land of tolerance where
monkeys and Jews can live side by side: In Canada, there are
Christmas trees lit with stars of David and stores filled
with bananas! He meets a hockey-playing boy whose team of
ragtag misfits needs a shot in the arm to get them
going--and that shot happens to be a chimp named Jack.

It's a fun movie, filled with plenty of chimp reaction shots
and reaction-to-the-chimp shots. Jack brings the family
together and escapes being euthanised. The one thing it
didn't have was the referee closing a hilariously oversized
tome and saying "Nothing in the rulebook that says a chimp
can't play hockey." Dave Thomas is in the film, but he is
squandered.

--Joe Garden
joegarden AT yahoo.com


[POEM]
"MIGHTY, MIGHTY PRIMATE: RECONSIDERED"

Ladies and gentlemen, Mighty, Mighty Primate
is a great, great
movie.

Initially we all had our
doubts. But it's
great.

The part where I was lashed to the bow of the ship with iron
chains in a typhoon
made me
cry.

As the elected representative of giant apes everywhere,
I implore you, world leaders:
unplug

those spots in the parking lot,
send the helicopter squadrons
home.

Remember the lesson of Mighty, Mighty Primate:
whenever a plane load of missionaries crashes in the
Himalayas,
a giant ape will feed them.

Whenever a crack team of Chinese explorers
loses their footing on a rope ladder and plunges into a
cavernous gorge,
a giant ape will catch them.

Thank you. Now I'd like to give you all an opportunity
to admire and touch my incredible nip
ples.

--Jennifer L. Knox
ezcheezeplus AT hotmail.com


[EDITORIAL REPRINT, ATTACHED]
OSCAR WILDE FROM THE WASHINGTON POST, 1882

The monkey reference here is only indirect, but I wanted to
share this item from the Washington Post editorial pages,
circa January 1882. It was reprinted in a magazine I found
on the curb here in Brooklyn, the Fessenden Review, a
mid-80s (apparently) literary review that I have grown
somewhat obsessed with over the past couple of days.

--Carrie McLaren
carrie AT stayfreemagazine.org


[LIMITED TIME OFFER]
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TEMPORARY" TATTOOS

Display your enthusiasm for primates to all! The first 75
people (just over half of you) that sends a self-addressed
stamped envelope to Joe Garden, 1947 Humboldt Boulevard #2,
Chicago, IL 60647 will get an MVP temporary tattoo and two
Monkeywire stickers. Requests must be postmarked by April
10, because I'm moving soon. So hop to it, monkey fans!

--Joe Garden
joegarden AT yahoo.com

--30--