The #1 source for news about monkeys and apes

[annia <ciezadlo AT earthlink.net>]

Hello and welcome to the first ever Monkeywire "monthly" column.
The column will supplement the news wire by publishing writing (and
pictures!) about monkeys that isn't strictly news. As with the wire,
we'd like to keep the column focused on monkey behavior and media
representations of same. This month we're fortunate to have Becky
Ebenkamp's excellent piece, with its privileged view of what happens
when monkey ways collide with the mores of major network television.
I've also reprinted a fine piece of firsthand reportage from the wire in

case any new members missed it, a joke, and some links. Please, send
more links!

My apologies for the lateness of this column. I'd like to get the next
one out by the beginning of next month. If anyone out there is willing
to help edit -- perhaps we could switch off every other month? -- please

let me know. We'd like to get more material for the next one if
possible, including but not limited to: reviews (MVP, anyone?),
reportage, jokes, essays, urban legends, and unpublished dissertations.
Pictures are welcome, and if you'd like to review the links you're
sending -- or to add brief commentaries -- please do.

Submissions for future columns should be sent to annia AT monkeywire.org
by the first of the month.

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Monkeyin' Around on the Chimp Channel Set

There's a fine line between the sublime and the stupid, but only
occasionally does an entertainment vehicle brilliant enough to straddle
it come along. For every "Cabin Boy" there are 1,347 "Deuce Bigalow,
Male Gigolo"s. One lowbrow equation, however, is a proven theorem:
Monkeys = funny.

Having considered "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp" the peak of quality
television entertainment, I was justifiably giddy to learn that TBS
would be producing a half-hour weekly series called The Chimp Channel.
Since the "sit" in this "com" would be apes running a TV station,
viewers would get both a window on backstage showbiz hijinks and a
satire of boob tube offerings. Like SCTV, only simian.

Co-creator Tom Stern, a writer with a specialty in chimp-specific work,
helped popularize the primate parody concept in a series of 1998 promos
from TBS. In "Monkey-ed Movies," apes re-enacted scenes from TBS's
stable of classic films, running the gamut from Gone With the Wind to
Saturday Night Fever to Braveheart. They proved so popular--America,
after all, loves a monkey, and a clothed chimp all the more--that TBS
subsequently aired an all-Oscar revue. TCC was green-lighted on the
strength--and ratings--of these shorts.

But soon after production began, Stern found himself at odds with TBS
suits regarding the direction of TCC. The fuse blew at a show party,
where a blotto Stern reportedly flipped out, stripped nude, and
antagonized the station's top brass. In Stern’s version, this was not a
drunken display, but "performance art" protesting creative differences.
Whatever it was, Stern was canned, lawsuits followed, and The Chimp
Channel went on without its prime visionary at the helm.

A few months into its run, I managed to get a visit to the TCC set.
While thrilled at the prospect, I didn't realize what a coup it was:
even a buzzing fly can be a scene-wrecker for a curious thespian chimp,
so this was a very closed set. I was briefed on taboo behavior such as
touching or feeding the apes, making gestures, or even making eye
contact. (None of this was really necessary: because of the simians'
short working hours and natural proclivity toward distraction, they
hardly mingled with crew members, let alone with me.)

The scaled-down-to-monkey-size set was a bit like Being John Malkovich's

7 and 1/2th floor. While I was touring it, an announcement rang through
the building, an unassuming warehouse buried in the Burbank foothills.
"Attention: Chimps are entering the building! Everyone take your place!"

Five minutes later came "Chimps are now walking through!" Only the
trainer and cameraman were allowed in the actual performing area; those
not essential to the up-close action, including the director, viewed
from monitors 50 feet away.

The scene being filmed was simple. The show's female lead--a Pamela
Anderson actress-type named Marina--would hysterically wave a gun at
TCC's general manager. But before she could fire, another chimp was
supposed to emerge from a door, opening it and inadvertently knocking
the gun from her hand.

This 15-second scene was rehearsed several times with a trainer. The
female chimp had to react to the door's bump by tossing the gun as if it

were accidentally flying out of her hand. She also had to move her lips
to dialogue that would later be dubbed in. To ensure that her mouthing
matched up to the cadence of the dialogue, the trainer "hand-talked" to
a recorded tape, and the primate aped.

This is a lot to remember, especially when one is wearing an
uncomfortably hot wig and itchy, ill-fitting dress. Many times the scene

was cut short because the actress tugged her hair off or chewed the
weapon. In order to conserve monkey energy during the lengthy rehearsal,

the role of opening the door was relegated to a human. The "chatter,
bump!, toss the gun" sequence was repeated ad infinitum.

Finally it became time to film, and the chimp was placed behind the
door. Everything was going well: The actress mouthed the dialogue and
held the gun at the proper angle. Then, right on cue, the other chimp
bumped her with the door. But Marina detected a subtle difference. She
flipped around, saw that the culprit was another monkey, interpreted his

action as an attack, and clocked him over the head with her gun. Much
shrieking ensued. I saw the director glance down from his monitor and
rub his temples in a "how the hell did I get into this racket?" motion.

I have no idea whether this was the last straw, but a few weeks later
TBS announced it was ceasing production on The Chimp Channel. I don't
know if the episode I watched was the last to be taped; it was
definitely the last to air. TCC wasn't the funniest thing to hit the
airwaves, but its presence is missed in a TV world sorely lacking in
chimp antics. Perhaps some brave, bright soul will pick up the gauntlet.

Until then, at least we have MoJo JoJo.

-- Becky Ebenkamp
bebenkamp AT brandweek.com

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Serendipitous Ape Joke Sent My Way

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him
everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the
radio and television, as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported
seeing the ape. At last, the ape was found in the New York Public
Library. Animal handlers and zoo officials were summoned to the library.

They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books
spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great
concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was a book written by
Darwin. The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied,

"I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my
keeper's brother."

-- Mikel Weisser
sweisser AT famvid.com

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National Treasure Becomes National Nuisance
(Reprinted from the wire)

A couple weeks ago there was a lovely television program about the
Japanese Macaque Monkey (Snow Monkey). They are the monkeys with red
faces that you often see covered with snow, or in hot springs on
postcards from Japan. Adorable, aren't they? They may be, but the
television program painted a different picture. They have become the
nuisance of northern Japan. Among the worst of their crimes: they are
breaking into houses and helping themselves to the food in the kitchens.

Town residents have been forced to change the locks on their front doors

and add locks to their refrigerators, and not even that helps all the
time. "The monkeys think they are people," said an old woman who
experienced monkey trouble firsthand. Of course, the entire reason they
are a problem at all is that the snow monkeys are a national treasure of

Japan, and thus can't be shot and served with a cold beer at the local
yakitori bar. How Japan will solve this problem is anyone's guess, but
we're sure it won't be quite like other monkey solutions in the rest of
the world. Our guess is that Japan may become the front line of the
robot-monkey war.

--Naoko Kitabatake and Alex Stevenson
alexs19 AT hotmail.com

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LINKS--Please send more!


http://www.modernhumorist.com/mh/0011/monkey/
Chimps Discover Are You Hot.com

http://monkeymatters.com
Contains more information than the others.

http://www.our-pets.net/photocontest.htm
Photo contest for pet monkey owners.

http://mommensj.web2010.com/monkeys.htm
Monkey care tips, lots of ads.

-- from Joe Garden


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