Healthy soil and sustainable growing

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Blackthumb!
Helpful Hints for the Cultivationally Challenged
by Sheri Dixon    
http://www.homestead.org/SheriDixon/BlackThumb.htm      

 The instant your sweet corn is ready to pick... nothing will keep the
raccoons away


   Stoke up the fire, grab a mug of cocoa, your seed catalogs and your
loved ones, for as sure as Christmas brings visions of Sugarplums, late
winter brings visions of the Perfect Garden.

   Over the course of the last 25 years,  I have gardened both sides of the
MasonDixon line, and  I have compiled a Gardeners' List of Untruths, for
those of us who have followed to the letter the advice of the" Master
Gardeners", come up with nothing to serve our families but dust and
weevils, and had our neighbors turn us in for suspected toxic waste storage
(HEY, that's my garden!).  Keep in mind that I have personally tested every
Untruth, and while I will never claim to be a Good Gardener, I am
comfortable in my role as Blackthumb, Defender of Inept Gardeners,
Protector of Those Who Keep Trying.

   Untruth #1: Rent the Rototiller and simply push it along, smiling and
humming a settlers' tune as it turns your land into premium, glorious,
farmland.

    Truth: Pay someone with a real tractor to till up your garden plot. If
you want to experience the effects of Rototilling on your body, have
someone work you over with a sack of wet sand, then jump off of your garage
roof. Naked. Into brambles.

   Untruth #2: Your veggies will look just like the picture in the catalog.

   Truth: Actually, they WILL look just like the pictures, they just don't
tell you that the pictures are life-size.

   Untruth #3: Newspaper makes excellent mulch.

    Truth: Newspaper looks like litter in your garden, because it IS litter
in your garden. The best mulch I ever used was stall innards from the goat
pen, wheel-barrowed directly from pen to garden and dumped between rows. If
you have no goats (I can help you with that), the thick black plastic the
garden store sells is a good alternative that keeps out weeds and doesn't
look awful, although some folks, like our Editor, are opposed to putting
anything in the garden that won't break down rapidly.  Last year's hay
works well too, the flakes are about the right size to fit between rows.

   Untruth #4: Fish heads make excellent fertilizer.        

    Truth: Although legend has it that the Indians planted a fish head with
every kernel of corn, the reality is that this is a myth perpetuated by
generations of skunks looking for an easy meal.

   Untruth #5: Natural pest control works just as well as chemical pest
control.

   Truth: There's nothing like a good dose of poison to kill bugs. Since my
children had a habit of eating straight from the garden, I always go
chemical-free, and assume the "one for me, two for nature" attitude.
However, using beer for slugs does work - taken internally by the gardener
in a large enough dose to obliterate any thought of slugs.

   Untruth #6: Mothballs/aluminum pie tins/sweaty shirts/Tabasco
sauce/gunshots will deter mammalian pests.

   Truth: the instant your sweet corn is ready to pick, some sort of silent
Corn Alarm sounds, and nothing will keep the raccoons away.  I witnessed
the mid-day destruction of my sweet corn from 20 feet away, yelling, waving
my arms, jumping up and down and lobbing every lift-able object at the
masked darlings.  They totally ignored the Crazy Woman at the edge of the
garden (you would think rabies would've been a concern, I was certainly
foaming at the mouth), bent a stalk, opened an ear, took 3 or 4 bites, then
moved onto the next one, effectively ruining the entire crop and breaking
my heart simultaneously.  There is nothing on earth as delicious as
homegrown sweet corn, harvested and cooked within minutes, slathered with
real butter.  If I ever have the courage to plant sweet corn again, I will
fence that area and turn a big doggie loose in it two weeks before harvest.

   Untruth #7: Throwing netting over your fruit trees will keep the birds
from eating your ripening fruit.

   Truth:  The birds actually love this one, as they hop up into your
branches and can eat all day long without worrying about getting eaten
themselves by a hawk.

   Untruth #8: The catalogs are full of thousands of different veggies, so
you must plant all of them.

   Truth: Plant only what you will eat.  Also, learn what you can plant
together.  I learned that if you plant cucumbers and gourds next to each
other, you get mutants that are neither edible nor decorative, just
disturbing.

   Untruth #9: If your children help in the garden, they will be proud to
eat the Fruits of Their Labor.

   Truth: Kids are kids and kids hate veggies. This can also work against
you when they name each tomato, and you are not allowed to eat them either.

   Untruth #9 1/2: Working together in the garden will enhance the sibling
bond.

   Truth- One year my daughter gave her little brother a radish, claiming
it was a strawberry just to see the look on his face at the first bite.  He
fell for it every time.  Yes.  Every time.  She is now in law school, and
for years he harbored a grave suspicion of all food products.

   Untruth #10: You will save a bundle on your grocery bill by growing your
own produce.

   Truth:  After the tilling, purchasing and planting, mulching,
fertilizing, pest deterring, watering, harvesting and putting up, you will
be munching $10 carrots.  My daughter did make a tidy sum one year growing
and selling pumpkins.  We planted them amongst the rows of corn and they
did well.  This was in Wisconsin, where the Yankee raccoons are more civil
than these Southern Rebel raccoons and I could actually eat my own sweet
corn and have enough left to freeze (sigh).

   To New Gardeners planning a first garden, these veggies are easy to
grow, and most likely to be eaten: green beans (get the bush type unless
you want to build poles), tomatoes (get cages), squashes, cucumbers, corn
(needs lots of room, and a razor wire fence for protection).

   Beware of zucchini.  If you must grow it, buy a packet of seeds, plant
one, and throw the rest away, better yet, burn them.  You will still be
slipping surplus zucchinis into strangers' purses just to get rid of the
damn things.

   This year we will again plant a garden, for Hope springs eternal; there
is no finer workout than an hour or two in the garden.  Country life just
doesn't seem complete without those precious gems from your own garden: the
one tomato that doesn't have rust, the one strawberry  that doesn't have a
resident slug, squash yellow as sunshine, corn sweet as candy.

   Hand me that seed catalog, would you? I hear the call of the land.
(Sounds suspiciously like giggling raccoons...)