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["Lynda" <lurine AT softcom.net>]

To The Citizens of the United States

 In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have, until
now, been
 unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
 correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When
you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language
as often.

 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "- ize".

 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that
 there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will
become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
 if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hiit". You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own
or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because
we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. When we show you German cars,  you
will understand why. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At
the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables.  Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian - though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product
of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured
for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk
of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the payment of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation