Biblical Hebrew Forum

[Robert Vining <rvining AT log.on.ca>]

Have  you ever burst out laughing while reading the Bible?  Forgive me!
I did.  It was upon the 3rd reading of the Covenant Box narratives in I
Samuel 4-7  that this rare phenomenon  occurred. At the time,  I was
sitting in a hospital waiting room reading from the Good News Bible.  My
demeanor, unusual for a Bible reader,  caused quizzical looks from those
sitting nearby.

As I read of the wild and wondrous happenings associated with that
special Box, I thought of my grandchildren who loved grandpa's made-up
stories  better than book stories, even Dr. Seuss. The more fantastic
the better.  But, I was running out of ideas. Here I found some.


******************
Once upon a time there was an extraordinary Box.  When 5 bad guy kings
captured it from its' owners,  it caused them lots of trouble. Plagues
of rats and hemorrhoids.  Wherever  the Box went it caused disaster. So,
they passed it around like a hot potato  Finally,  the 5 kings decided
this couldn't go on. They must do something about it. So, they had a
meeting of the priests and magicians. They decided on a scheme that
would return  the Box  to its' owners,  while  at the same time
figuring  out if all their disasters were  caused by that Box, or, by
chance.

Their plan was to build  a wooden wagon, and place the  powerful Box on
top. Next to it they would place a box with 10 golden idols, 5 of mice,
5 of hemorrhoids.  There were Ten Commandments in the special Box*;
ten golden idols in the box next to it.  They thought the  owners'  god
would want, and would be pleased with the gift of the mice and
hemorrhoid idols. The wagon purposely would have no driver. It would be
pulled by 2 cows whose new-born calves would be locked in the barn so as
not to distract them.  The idea was,  that if the unsteered wagon, went
to the  owners'   town called BethShemesh,  then the 5 bad kings would
know that it was the god of the Box that caused all their troubles. If
not, they would know all their troubles happened just by chance..

Sure enough that driverless wagon pulled by mooing cows went straight to
BethShemesh. Alas, for the mother cows.  After the townspeople chopped
up the brand new wagon, they used the wood to burn up the cows, thinking
that this is what their god would want. Then, they placed both boxes on
a large rock, and did more burning.  Sadly, 50,070  (or 70) of the
townspeople looked into the special Box.  For this the god of the Box
killed them.  So, the owners of the Box decided to get rid of the Box,
just like the Box stealers had done.  Lucky for them,  they were able to
pass it on to the people of another town without telling them about  its
troublesome  history.

Quite a bit later, the Box was being brought by a charming  but  naughty
King, named  David,  to the new capitol city, Jerusalem.  One of the
oxen pulling another new cart, stumbled.  A helpful man named Uzzah
tried to steady the tipping Box. For this the god of the Box struck him
dead. This made the noble-ignoble King David furious at the god of the
Box. It also made him afraid. So, afraid, that he,  like all the others,
decided  get rid of the Box. He sent it off to a man living in Gath, one
of the cities ruled by one of the bad kings, also famous for being the
hometown of the giant warrior, Goliath.  When nice things happened to
the man living in Gath. King David decided to try again to bring the Box
to Jerusalem, this time being more careful not to anger the god. By now
David had figured out the problem. This time only special,  chosen,
purified men would  carry the Box on poles over their shoulders (the way
a wise  man Moses said it should have been done).   No more carts, or
wagons. As an extra safety precaution,  after 6 steps, David stopped to
make an offering . This time the Box was successfully brought to
Jerusalem.


***********************
It was when I visualized trying to answer my grandchild's question,
"Grandpa, what does an image of a hemorrhoid look like"?, that I
laughed.  Would the ancient author have been pleased that his narrative
made me laugh? Or, would he have been aghast at my inappropriate
levity?   .  Significantly,  it was not until  the 3rd  rereading,  when
it began to dawn on me what the author might be  up to,  that I
laughed.  I did  not laugh when the reading was  the solemn  recounting
of the hallowed events of sacred history.

Harold Bloom says that the Yahwist author, and the Court Historian, were
"comic writers". And, that at times their writing was like "children's
literature". He says,  J   "had fun" with  the Egyptian plagues drama.
Was  the narrator of the Ark stories having fun with the tales of  the
Philistine plagues,  and the great slaughter of Israelites.   Samuel
Hooke notes that  the impossible number 50,070  Bethshemishites  slain
by the God of Israel  was a signal of the mythical character of the
story**.  If this be true, then the tamperers of the text,  by lopping
off the first 3 digits,  do a disservice by weakening the signal.

There was a tradition that the Covenant Box, temporarily lost was found
in the time of David. This occassioned  rejoicing by  some. Their  voice
is heard in Psalm 132:6-9. Not among the jubilant was the solemn prophet
Jeremiah who preferred that the Covenant Box stay lost. If the Samuel
author appears  irreverent toward the sacred Ark,  Jeremiah seems to go
further in its desacralization.  Jeremiah,  never to be accused of being
a comic writer, would get rid of the Covenant Box forever, even in the
memory of his people.  He delivers a Divine Oracle  with no uncertain
emphasis-You will no longer need the Covenant Box; no longer make one;
no longer talk about it; no longer think about it; no longer even
remember  it. Samuel Hooke calls this  passage, (Jer. 3:16),  the
demythologization of the myth of the Ark.***.It is conjectural whether
the pious prophet, in seeking to detach his people from an inappropriate
superstitious reverence, was  influenced  by the wry writings of his
intrepid predecessor.

What was it that Jeremiah would like his people to forget?  Could it be
some of the above mentioned traditions-the 50,070 Israelite slaughter,
or the hapless Uzzah story?  Perhaps the twice falling Dagon statue
becoming headless and  armless.  Or, an earlier tradition that would
have the carrier Kohathites know their place viz a viz Aaron and his
sons; that not only must they not touch the Covenant Box and sacred
objects, but, even if they should see the priests preparing the sacred
objects for moving, they will die****.

J. Kirsch, commenting on two biblical narratives (The Rape of Dinah &
The 100-200 Philistine Foreskin stories) observes, "What is
*remarkable*  about both stories is that the sacred ritual of
circumcision is treated so lightly, and even so perversely, as if it
were a cruel joke rather than a solemn sacrament. One could hardly tell
from these tales that circumcision......was the single most important
symbol of identity among the Israelites, and remains so among Jewish
people today"+  *Remarkable *, indeed.  A careful reading of J and CH
will reveal that this was a  prevalent tone..



* Deut. 10:1-5

** "Middle Eastern Mythology", p.154

***p.155

****Num. 4:1-20

+ "The Harlot by the Side of the Road", p.86



Robert Vining, Owen Sound, Ontario           rvining AT log.on.ca