When you put it like that . . .

Jeffrey Newman newman at bcinternet.net
Wed Jun 13 22:11:37 EDT 2001

A little something my wife came across that's doing the rounds.  -

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and
nature. What in the world is going on down there
in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I
had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought
and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey
bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a
vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are
these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there,
Lord. The Suburbanites.  They started calling your
flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill
them andreplace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful.
It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees,
only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great
pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin
each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably
make grass grow really fast.  That must make the
Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it
grows a little, they cut it,  sometimes twice a

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake
it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they
sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They
pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize
grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they
cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up
the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves
them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this,
Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they
drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do
say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they
rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil.
It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The
Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as
the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil
moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they
go out and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up
to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this

St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What
movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a
real stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story from St. Francis.


Jeffrey Newman

JN Web Design
Phone: 1 250 791-9206
Fax:   1 250 791-9207
E-Mail: jn at jnweb.com
ICQ: 9879310

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