That is considerably better, except that presumably you omitted "heaven and" accidentally, although I still don't like "welter".HH: "When God began to create the earth, and the earth then was welter and waste, with darkness over the deep and God's breath hovering over the waters, God said, 'Let there be be light." And there was light.""When God began to create heaven and earth, and the earth then was welter and waste and darkness over the deep and God's breath hovering over the waters, God said, 'Let there be light'. And there was light."
Also "then" seems strange if this part is intended to be governed by "when".
But why didn't Alter write this? Was it because of the hyper-literalism that the vav prefix must always be translated "and"? No, because he has omitted completely the vav prefix at the start of v.3 - which for me is a good reason to reject also Alter's exegesis by which vv.1-2 is a complex subordinate clause and prefer the traditional "In the beginning God created..."
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