Healthy soil and sustainable growing

["Tradingpost" <tradingpost@gilanet.com>]

You know you're a rural woman when . . .


factors involved in vehicle accidents reported in your local newspaper this 
week include two steers, a cow, two deer and sugar beets.

your new car insurance agent insists on a street address for your policy 
instead of a post office box number. . .and you don't have one.  When he asks 
what the dispatcher would tell the fire department if there was a fire at 
your house, you say, "there's a fire at the Old Smith Place."

you've inadvertantly disrobed in front of your veterinarian when you removed 
your coveralls after a difficult birth in the maternity barn, forgetting you 
didn't get dressed before you went out to check the cow.

 the only time you lock your pickup is when you go to church on Sunday so 
nobody will leave bags of zucchini on the seat.

salesman who come to your office always ask, "are you The Mrs.?"

your horoscope says, "you will meet the love of your life somewhere between 
your house and where you work," and in your case that covers an area 
encompassing the dry cow pasture and the haystacks.

a really big thrill is finding muck boots that fit.

you know what a correction line is.

you formed your opinions about animal welfare from working in barns and 
pastures, not from the PETA web site.

your best vehicle has farm tags.

you call it your "good car" because so far you haven't hauled any livestock 
in it -- just a couple of loads of lumber.

you know what farm tags are.

the last time you got together with your women friends, the main topic of 
conversation was your new saw.

you don't use a pet carrier because there is no way to fasten it on top of 
the toolbox in the back of your pickup where your dog likes to ride.

you got a high score on the butch/fem quiz in spite of the fact that you 
aren't lesbian.

when you play signifyin' with your women friends, the one who wins is the one 
who lives the farthest from Wal-Mart.

you live 540 km. and one windshield from a paved road.

when you take a detour through your cornfield to avoid highway construction 
and you meet your accountant using the same detour; she waves you over, gets 
out of her pickup and hands you this month's financial report.

where you live, "SUV" is not a dirty word and people driving compact cars 
can't get up the road to your house.

your "flashlight" has 500,000 candlepower so you can see across the pasture 
when the cows get out at night.

your "hair stylist" looks like Mayme Eisenhower.

you leave the beauty shop and YOU look like Mayme Eisenhower.

the names of all the local beauty shops start with a "K".  (Klassy Klippers, 
Kute Kutups, Kurly Korners, Karen's Kutts, Kathy's Hair Korral, etc.)

the new counselor at the local mental health center was also the newcomer at 
last Friday night's AA meeting.

the new priest is the newcomer at the AA meeting.

you're considered radical because you kept your maiden name when you married

the weather report says rain and instead of taking an umbrella, you wear a 
full-length slicker and take the 4 wheel drive.

you have an emergency kit in the back of your vehicle, and you have actually 
used it.

you laugh when the salesman tells you that the "donut" spare tire in the jeep 
he's trying to sell you can be driven for 30 miles and you should be able to 
find a service station in that distance.

you have to take an airplane to get to your appointment with a gynecologist.

you're dressed up for a special occasion with important people and an hour 
after you arrive you discover that you have straw in your hair

your "good shoes" are the one pair that doesn't have cow manure on them - yet.

three people standing in line at the post office offer to loan you their 
glasses when you've left yours out in the car and you can't see to fill out a 
form.


the woman behind you in line at the grocery store pulls out a twenty dollar 
bill to pay for your things when you discover you've left your checkbook at 
home.  And you probably won't see her again until the County Fair.

at the diner they know how you want your eggs without asking you first.

that grooming dilemma isn't called "bad hair day" -- it's called "hat head."

when you go to the city you visit the hardware store instead of the clothing 
shops.

you call a wrong number and end up talking for 30 minutes.

the postal service actually delivers your mail when the address has only your 
name and town.

there's only one elevator in town, and it's the site of an annual field trip 
for the elementary school kids.


a phone call wakes you up in the middle of the night, the caller identifies 
himself as a police officer, and the first thing you are concerned about is 
that whether the cows are out on the highway.

you say  'the new bridge'  in giving directions even though it has been there 
for 15 years . . .or you refer to the bypass that was built in the 70s as the 
"new highway".

you give directions to your house and someone asks, "what do you live near?" 
and the answer is nothing.


the UPS man doesn't even bother going to your house to deliver a package 
because he knows that at this time of day you will be at the cofeeshop, so he 
delivers your package there

it's considered poor etiquette to not honk and wave to every familiar car or 
pick-up  (that means all of them) you pass while driving through town

the hood of your car is up,  you are underneath it, and everyone considers 
this an open invitation to stop and talk

you go to the greenhouse and nobody is there, and there is a sign by the door 
that says, "write down what you bought and put payment in here"  . . . or 
there are vegetables for sale in front of a house and a box with a sign that 
says, "pay what you think"

 the store owner is also the postmaster and the newspaper delivery person.

you have to find your diet support group on the Internet

you don't know the street names in your home town so you  say things like, 
"It's catty corner to the old Beeson place," and everybody knows exactly 
where you mean

 you call the police to find out when your son's bus will arrive from an out 
of town game

the local radio station announces who has been admitted and discharged from 
the hospital

three semis go by while you're waiting to turn out on the road and you are 
checking out the quality of the alfalfa bales they're hauling and not the 
drivers

the local news station features the "Horse of the Week"

it's your fault that a small plane can't land at the local airport  . . 
.because your heifers are out on the runway.

if you want to talk to another feminist, you have to make a long distance call

you can't board your pets when you want to leave town because they don't take 
sheep at the boarding place.

all you can get on the radio is country western music, religious broadcasts, 
Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura

you're awakened in the middle of the night by a cowboy in your kitchen 
hollering, "can I use your phone?" after he drove into the ditch on the way 
home from the bar in a snowstorm.

a stray Holstein heifer appears in town and everyone thinks it's yours.