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[Rob <becida AT comcast.net>]

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From: "tvoivozhd" <tvoivozd AT infi.net>
To: "Homestead mailing list" <homestead AT listserv.unc.edu>
Subject: The poor devil next door
Date: Fri, 22 Mar 2002 12:31:15 -0800
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Yup, we have private information He moved to Zanoni and is running a factory
producing Double Hernia Beer at the city dump, which for some perverse
reason is known as Heartwood.

He tried producing Single Hernia Beer, but ceased when an article appeared
in the local newspaper describing a miracle cure from the topical
application of a few drops of Brian Boru Poteen obtained from the Primate
Lab And Catfood Factory at Catawba, Va.

This guy is not too bright or He would realize a few drops taken internally
would cure double hernia, cause Beeros to retch at the sight of a six-pack,
and smokers to run and hide when they see a pack of cigarettes---you hear
that, Bev?

At least His efforts are not as destructive as when He was writing Homestead
books with a subliminal mental virus which wiped out
farmers' memories of how to grow livestock and garden vegetables and
impaired their ability to Find Their Ideal Country Home.

You will be interested in how He wound up in Zanoni---He was evicted from
Inglis, Florida, according to the Chicago Tribune

>From the Chicago Tribune
A devilish problem in Florida
March 22, 2002
You're not likely to bump into Elizabeth Hurley in Inglis, Fla. That's not
just because it's an out-of-the-way hamlet of 1,400 people a good 75 miles
from the nearest big city, Tampa, with only half a dozen restaurants and
nothing much to attract big-screen stars. It's also because Hurley's last
big part was as Satan in "Bedazzled," and in Inglis these days, it could be
unhealthy to be mistaken for the devil.
Carolyn Risher, the mayor of Inglis, is not one of those people who laments
social ills but does nothing about them. Quite the contrary. Last Halloween,
while reflecting on what she regarded as unwholesome trends in her town, she
recalls getting a clear message from God Almighty instructing her to decree
the banishment of Lucifer from the city limits.
She complied, drafting a proclamation that left no room for doubt: "Be it
known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, giver of evil,
destroyer of what is good and just, is not now, nor ever again will be, a
part of this town of Inglis." Invoking "our authority over the devil in
Jesus's name," the mayor said, "we command all Satanic and demonic forces to
cease their activities and depart the town of Inglis."



Of course the good citizens of Zanoni are not too pleased to have the brewer
of Double Hernia Beer around either, and are preparing their own eviction
notice---so you may have a new neighbor leaning on your backyard fence soon
yourself.

There are ways you can protect  yourself.  Brace up your fence for one
thing---He is vastly overweight and unsteady on his feet, being His own best
Double Hernia customer.

Secondly, there will be toxic waste running across the backyard and choking
fumes emanating from his septic tank.  He says he uses existing septic tank
systems to avoid local zoning laws---which may be true, but an equally valid
reason is that the recipe for Double Hernia Beer specifies massive amounts
of e-coli and mercaptans.

Be forewarned, He doesn't live in the house much.  He will dig a burrow in
the backyard.  When you see Him topple over backwards into the entrance, you
will have several hours or days during which you will be able to tippy toe
unobserved across His backyard, lift the septic tank cover, and empty your
fur-lined teacup full of Poteen inside.  It will completely detoxify the
nastily bubbling goop and suppress emission of fumes.

This, by itself may cause Him to move again.  As I said, He is not too
bright and may figure that some unknown local conditions prevent His batch
of Double Hernia Beer from producing the desired degree of delirium, plus
profound mental and physical degeneration.

This is a Condition Red Alert from The Catawba Primate Lab Beer Demon and
Harpy Early Warning System---maintained by The Catawba Primate Lab as a
supplement to NORAD.