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  • From: Shoshanna Walker <rosewalk AT concentric.net>
  • To: Biblical Hebrew <b-hebrew AT franklin.oit.unc.edu>
  • Subject: Was God's name, now Humor
  • Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 19:59:56 -0500


A Rabbi walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. "Hey, man, where'd
you get that thing"
"Oh, said the PARROT. I got him in New York. They have hundreds of them
there.


History

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids
in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of
mountains between France and Spain.


The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked
Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac,
stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up
his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One
of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.


Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled
at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people
who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500
wives and 500 porcupines.


Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also
had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother
of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
Achilles appears in "The Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity,"
in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man
of that name.


Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.


In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law
into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains
were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors
were doing. When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.


Eventually, the Roamans conquered the Geeks. History calls people
Roamans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roaman
banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel
tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
to them.


Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before
the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard
Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.


In medieval times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot
an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.


The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door
at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest
in the female nude that made him the father of the renaissance. It
was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.


The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then
her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies
and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out
his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another,
Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking
his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
"Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
"Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."


During the renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later,
the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's
Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by
Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
The Indian squabs carried porposies on their backs. Many of the Indian
heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal
to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible
for all this.


One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through
the post without stamps. During the war, Redcoats and Paul Revere
were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer
had to pay for taxis.


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying
all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790
and is still dead.


George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
father of our country. Then the constitution of the United States
was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the
people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.


Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk
hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote
the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg
on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation,
and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But
the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other
innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night
of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
assassinator
was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
career.


Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy." Gravity
was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn,
when the apples are falling off the trees.


Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.


France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then
the Spanish gorrillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's
flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense
and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.


The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the
longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years
and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign.


The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work
of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madman Curie discovered radium
and Karl Marx became one of theMarx brothers.


The first World War, caused by the assignation of the arch duck by
a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.



  • Was God's name, now Humor, Shoshanna Walker, 01/24/2002

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