Was God's name, now Humor
rosewalk at concentric.net
Thu Jan 24 19:59:56 EST 2002
A Rabbi walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. "Hey, man, where'd
you get that thing"
"Oh, said the PARROT. I got him in New York. They have hundreds of them
> The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
> Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
> that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the
> dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids
> in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of
> mountains between France and Spain.
> The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
> the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
> One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked
> Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac,
> stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up
> his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One
> of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
> Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
> led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
> bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount
> Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled
> at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people
> who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500
> wives and 500 porcupines.
> Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
> three kinds of columns -- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also
> had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother
> of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
> Achilles appears in "The Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity,"
> in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
> journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man
> of that name.
> Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
> advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
> In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
> and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
> government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law
> into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains
> were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors
> were doing. When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
> because the Persians had more men.
> Eventually, the Roamans conquered the Geeks. History calls people
> Roamans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roaman
> banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished
> himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him
> because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel
> tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
> to them.
> Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur
> lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before
> the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard
> Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks.
> Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged
> twice for the same offense.
> In medieval times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
> writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and
> also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot
> an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
> The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
> of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door
> at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
> being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest
> in the female nude that made him the father of the renaissance. It
> was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
> the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
> cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
> Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
> The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
> walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
> was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
> exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then
> her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
> The greatest writer of the renaissance was William Shakespeare.
> never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He
> lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies
> and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out
> his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another,
> Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking
> his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
> Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
> "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
> "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
> During the renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a
> great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
> His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later,
> the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's
> Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by
> Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them.
> The Indian squabs carried porposies on their backs. Many of the Indian
> heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal
> to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many
> people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible
> for all this.
> One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks
> in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through
> the post without stamps. During the war, Redcoats and Paul Revere
> were throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the
> peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer
> had to pay for taxis.
> Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
> Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
> of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying
> all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.
> He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a
> horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790
> and is still dead.
> George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the
> father of our country. Then the constitution of the United States
> was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the
> people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
> Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother
> died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
> his own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk
> hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote
> the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg
> on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation,
> and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But
> the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other
> innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night
> of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
> seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
> was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's
> Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
> invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy." Gravity
> was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn,
> when the apples are falling off the trees.
> Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
> Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
> large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even
> though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
> walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
> expired in 1827 and later died for this.
> France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
> before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
> Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic
> Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then
> the Spanish gorrillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's
> flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense
> and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
> Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
> The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
> is in the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the
> longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years
> and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality.
> Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
> The 19th century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
> The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
> up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work
> of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis
> Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
> who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madman Curie discovered radium
> and Karl Marx became one of theMarx brothers.
> The first World War, caused by the assignation of the arch duck by
> a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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