Off topic, but you'll like it

Craig R. & Becky J. Harmon revcraigh at iexpress.net
Thu Jan 14 03:38:55 EST 1999


A friend sent this to me and I laughed so hard it hurt. Enjoy
-----Original Message-----
Date: Wednesday, January 13, 1999 11:33 AM
Subject: Fwd: Resume/Cover Letter Blurbs


>I thought you might enjoy these.
>
>>Subject: Resume/Cover Letter Blurbs
>>THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN
>>THE
>>JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE:
>>
>>  1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
>>
>>  2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet
>>  progroms."
>>
>>  3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
>>
>>  4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
>>  institutions."
>>
>>  5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
>>
>>  6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
>>
>>  7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
>>
>>  8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
>>
>>  9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
>>
>>  10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
>>
>>  11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
>>
>>  12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
>> commitments."
>>
>>  13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
>>  horse."
>>
>>  14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs.  Please feel free to
>> respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
>>
>>  15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no
>>  one and absolutely nothing."
>>
>>  16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
>>  training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
>>
>>  17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
>>
>>  18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
>>
>>  19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
>>
>>  20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
>> store."
>>
>>  21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.
>>  I have never quit a job."
>>
>>  22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
>>
>>  23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees 
>get
>>to
>>work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those
>> conditions."
>>
>>  24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
>> employers."
>>
>>  25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
>>
>>  26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind
>>  me."
>>
>>
>>  ********************************************************************
>>  THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
>>
>>  1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
>>  and has started to dig."
>>
>>  2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
>> curiosity."
>>
>>  3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
>>
>>  4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
>>  of a definitely won't be."
>>
>>  5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
>>  a rat in a trap."
>>
>>  6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
>>  change whichever foot was previously in there."
>>
>>  7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
>>
>>  8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
>>
>>  9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
>> achieve them."
>>
>>  10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
>>
>>  11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the
>> better."
>>
>>
>>  ******************************************************
>> THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS ORDERS
>>  --
>> (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS):
>>  1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
>>
>>  2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
>>
>>  3. A room temperature IQ.
>>
>>  4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
>> together.
>>
>>  5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary
>>  ignoramus.
>>
>>  6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
>>
>>  7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
>>
>>  8. Bright as Alaska in December.
>>
>>  9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
>>
>>  10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
>>
>>  11. Fell out of the family tree.
>>
>>  12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
>> coming.
>>
>>  13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for
>>  it.
>>
>>  14. He's so dense, light bends around him.
>>
>>  15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
>>
>>  16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
>>  week.
>>
>>  17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
>>
>>  18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
>>
>>  19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
>>
>>  20. One neuron short of a synapse.
>>
>>  21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
>>
>>  22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch "60 Minutes."
>>
>>  23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
>
>
>______________________________________________________
>Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
>
>
>______________________________________________________
>Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com




More information about the B-Greek mailing list