To: "homestead AT lists.ibiblio.org" <homestead AT lists.ibiblio.org>
Subject: [Homestead] Dave Barry on voting
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2004 08:30:15 -0700
Every vote counts! Well, sometimes
Pretty soon, you, the American voter, will enter the sacred sanctity of the
voting booth and cast your ballot for the next President. Or not. It's also
possible that your ballot will go back in time and participate in the
election of 1848, or wind up in a distant galaxy, helping to elect an alien
being with 73 eyeballs (slogan: "A Being of Vision"). The truth is, you
don't know WHAT will happen to your ballot, because you might be using one
of the new electronic voting machines. These are supposed to eliminate the
screwups we had in the 2000 election, in which the ballots of thousands of
Florida voters were not counted because, due to poor design, many
Floridians have the intelligence of a sugar beet. No, sorry, what I mean
is: The ballot was too complicated! There were names and chads, and to
figure out which name went with which chad, you had to follow an arrow, and
... Whew! As a Floridian, I'm getting a headache just THINKING about how
complicated it was! So this year many states are switching to electronic
voting machines, which use computer technology - the same foolproof
technology we use in the newspaper industry to (%$(AT)!(AT)hkjhou((7%$
ERROR ERROR DELETING EVERYTHING FROM DAWN OF TIME Whoops! It turns out that
things CAN go wrong with computer technology. One big concern is that
electronic voting machines could be tampered with by "hackers," as was the
case recently when an 11-year-old New Jersey boy named Jason Feeblehonker,
using only his Game Boy, was able to get himself elected governor of both
North Carolina and Wisconsin. (He's actually doing a decent job, although
some state police officers are not thrilled about having to carry light
sabers.) But aside from that, electronic voting machines are a great idea,
according to people who make millions of dollars selling them. Here's how
this "high-tech" voting system works: Inside the voting booth you'll find a
"touch screen," which is a computer screen coated with a thin, invisible
layer of germs left by all the people who voted ahead of you. When you
touch this screen, tiny pieces of electricity called "electrons" go
shooting into your finger, through your arm and into your brain, where they
whiz around until they locate the name of the candidate you wish to vote
for; they then transmit this information to Central Voting Command (located
in India) along with any legally questionable thoughts you may have
regarding terrorism, tax evasion or sexual fantasies featuring an armadillo
and Wayne Newton. Electronic voting is fast and harmless, unless they get
the voltage wrong, in which case an overhead sprinkler system will
automatically extinguish any flames in your hair. So there's nothing to
worry about! Remember: Before electronic voting was approved for use on
humans, it was extensively tested on laboratory hamsters (87% for Dennis
Kucinich). So that covers how you're going to vote. The other question is,
who are you going to vote for? The best way to decide this is to watch TV
ads, which present the issues with a degree of honesty, nuance and
sophistication rarely seen outside of Vegomatic commercials: (On the
screen, we see the CANDIDATE. Next to his face is the word "LEADERSHIP.")
ANNOUNCER: "Leadership. It isn't just a word. It's a word that tested
really well in our focus groups. And it's a word we want you to think about
when you think about the candidate." (Now we see the candidate's OPPONENT,
in an unflattering photograph that makes him look like the world's largest
glob of earwax.) ANNOUNCER: "The opponent favors policies that could cause
the Earth to rotate in the opposite direction, causing all life on the
planet to hurtle into space and die. Is that really what Americans want?"
Yes, voters, by the end of this campaign you'll be so well-informed you may
flee to Paraguay. But I urge you to stay, because on Nov. 2, you have an
opportunity to help choose the person who will lead this nation for the
next four years: Jason Feeblehonker.
[Homestead] Dave Barry on voting,
Gene GeRue, 09/19/2004